09-20-2014, 05:52 PM
cjchaffin
I paint her in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile
but she does anyway.
[Note: the title, "Diana," was not included in the body of the post above]
----------
This is mostly amplifying billy's comments, which have a back-to-basics flavor to my mind. I'll proofread it first, then I'll give a line-by, but the macro is what I'm most interested in.
Proofer's edit:
[Diana]
--please put the title above the poem in the actual post. Otw, it gets missed.
I paint [Diana] in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
[her] proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--IMPORTANT: you've got an ambiguity that runs throughout this poem, and I'd bet a dollar it's intentional. Heresit: you want the act of painting and the act of touching to merge. Problematically, this works as a simile, but confuses as a metaphor. That is, if the brush "like warm fingers" traces, I understand. But if the "warm fingers" that trace are, by metaphor, the brush, I get super lost.
--On a personal note, this might be the first time I've ever understood the utility of similes. Cool.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin[,]
--"mimic" is wrong. Either the depositions of the strokes mimic the color of skin or else, as above, the strokes are mimicking touching the skin.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--"dimpled" is wrong. You want either "mottled" or one of its synonyms.
--the semi is wrong. You want a period. Why? The sentences are not twin in any way. Rather, the sentence following the semi carries through with the notion of increasing arousal.
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--needs a color word to carry the sequence. the move from alabaster to pink to "fires" doesn't work.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--the ", and" is wrong. It doesn't seem so at first, but look again. Building the sentence in this way attributes your nervousness to her blushing. That is, she is blushing both because she is aroused and you are nervous.
----There are ways of parsing the sentence that invalidate this comment, BUT here again, we're into the problem of the artist painting. That is, it is plausible that your nervousness alone is causing you to paint the blush where none exists.
----NOTE: that latter possibility is a FAR MORE INTERESTING read. If you were to look up from the aroused, blushing portrait to see your model remaining pale--that'd be cool.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--prefer "with" to "in"
I ask her not to smile[,]
but she does anyway.
--sequence problem here. Does she smile because you ask her not to--that is, after the request--or was I supposed to understand that the narrowed eyes imply smiling?
Copyedit [line-by substantive edit]
[Diana]
--Names in poem's contribute to the poem's depth. This name will reference to the huntress to most readers. But the nothing follows through. The name is, tf, a miscue.
I paint her in summer sun,
--from a proofer's point of view, the problem is the pronoun-antecedent flip. A copyeditor's problem is more serious.
----previous readers understood that there was a painter, a model, and a painting. But there's nothing to suggest that. As written, you're painting on a person. SPECIFICALLY: there is NO EVIDENCE that this scene contains (1) a canvas or (2) paint. That might be cool, EXCEPT it contains a brush. That's maddeningly confusing to me.
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--recast all of the above in active verb tenses. Gerunds=bad.
----most problematically, the lines "warm fingers of August heat / tracing circles over taut flesh" are almost indecipherable. Is the heat tracing? Is August heating tracing circles? It's intuitive that warm fingers are tracing circles, but that's impossible, because they're doing it "over" and not "on" or "upon," and, more to the point
------there's a rule of construction that commands a reader to assume the author had all possible versions of a writing available. That means, here, I must assume that you decided against the "plainspoken" version of the thought. That is, you can't have meant "warm fingers trace circles on taut flesh," because that version was available to you, and you opted against it.
--------That means I'm absolutely at a loss as to your meaning here.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
--as stated in the proofer's marks, gestures (which is what brushstrokes are) can't mimic colors. At least, it is hard to imagine them doing so here.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--the phrase "barest pink" is nonsensical
--again, the gesture (here, "dimpled") can't be done with a color
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--the literal construction here is that she had something burning in her mouth
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--I can't understand what your nerves have to do with anything. How do they connect?
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--"The model's" is what Bernstein called, sarcastically, "elegant variation." There seems to be no reason to use "The model's" instead of "her." The fact that you did confuses me. I start wondering if there are two women.
----THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE here, given the fact that most readers will believe there is (1) a model and (2) a painting of that model.
I ask her not to smile
--SUPER IMPORTANT. WHY?
but she does anyway.
--Again, WHY?
MACRO on "Diana"
cjchaffin,
There's a helluva poem here, but you have to make some decisions.
Actors
First, is there a painting? If so, is that painting personified? In sum, is this a poem about something erotic or about eroticism? Second, are there brushes and paint? If so, what role do they play? Are they mimicking? Are they standing in for hands and fingers? Are they physical or imagined? Third, is the model aware of you? Nothing in the poem suggests that she is. In fact, the final stanza suggests THE OPPOSITE. If your model doesn't do what you asked, that makes it more likely that she didn't hear you than that she is defying you. The fact that your request isn't quoted reinforces the idea that you thought "don't smile" but did not say it.
Effect
What effect are you trying to achieve? I'm going to convey the facts of your poem in as few words as possible.
"I paint her. She blushes. I get nervous. She smiles even though I asked her not to." In any revision, you get 17 words that you can use for something besides generating an effect.
What effect is it that you want? Surprise? Delight? Embarrassment? Disgust? Bemusement? Right now, it is entirely unclear.
Shape
What are your events and in what order do you want them? Should she be right-away naked? When should you get nervous? Should you start in the field or somewhere else? There's a summer in the poem, and there's the barest suggestion of winter (alabaster skin is a wintertime characteristic). Would the poem be better served by a winter? If so, does it come first or last? Right now, you end with her disobeying you. Why is it important for that to go last? Was she under your sway earlier? What changed? When did it change?
Really go for it with this one. There's something truly magnificent in it, if you can shake it free.
All the best,
crow
Just a point of interest, you might notice the incredibly profound role that the word "brushstrokes" has. It's really really interesting, that.
I paint her in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
I ask her not to smile
but she does anyway.
[Note: the title, "Diana," was not included in the body of the post above]
----------
This is mostly amplifying billy's comments, which have a back-to-basics flavor to my mind. I'll proofread it first, then I'll give a line-by, but the macro is what I'm most interested in.
Proofer's edit:
[Diana]
--please put the title above the poem in the actual post. Otw, it gets missed.
I paint [Diana] in summer sun,
the midday breeze caressing
[her] proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--IMPORTANT: you've got an ambiguity that runs throughout this poem, and I'd bet a dollar it's intentional. Heresit: you want the act of painting and the act of touching to merge. Problematically, this works as a simile, but confuses as a metaphor. That is, if the brush "like warm fingers" traces, I understand. But if the "warm fingers" that trace are, by metaphor, the brush, I get super lost.
--On a personal note, this might be the first time I've ever understood the utility of similes. Cool.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin[,]
--"mimic" is wrong. Either the depositions of the strokes mimic the color of skin or else, as above, the strokes are mimicking touching the skin.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--"dimpled" is wrong. You want either "mottled" or one of its synonyms.
--the semi is wrong. You want a period. Why? The sentences are not twin in any way. Rather, the sentence following the semi carries through with the notion of increasing arousal.
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--needs a color word to carry the sequence. the move from alabaster to pink to "fires" doesn't work.
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--the ", and" is wrong. It doesn't seem so at first, but look again. Building the sentence in this way attributes your nervousness to her blushing. That is, she is blushing both because she is aroused and you are nervous.
----There are ways of parsing the sentence that invalidate this comment, BUT here again, we're into the problem of the artist painting. That is, it is plausible that your nervousness alone is causing you to paint the blush where none exists.
----NOTE: that latter possibility is a FAR MORE INTERESTING read. If you were to look up from the aroused, blushing portrait to see your model remaining pale--that'd be cool.
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--prefer "with" to "in"
I ask her not to smile[,]
but she does anyway.
--sequence problem here. Does she smile because you ask her not to--that is, after the request--or was I supposed to understand that the narrowed eyes imply smiling?
Copyedit [line-by substantive edit]
[Diana]
--Names in poem's contribute to the poem's depth. This name will reference to the huntress to most readers. But the nothing follows through. The name is, tf, a miscue.
I paint her in summer sun,
--from a proofer's point of view, the problem is the pronoun-antecedent flip. A copyeditor's problem is more serious.
----previous readers understood that there was a painter, a model, and a painting. But there's nothing to suggest that. As written, you're painting on a person. SPECIFICALLY: there is NO EVIDENCE that this scene contains (1) a canvas or (2) paint. That might be cool, EXCEPT it contains a brush. That's maddeningly confusing to me.
the midday breeze caressing
Diana’s proud breasts,
warm fingers of August heat
tracing circles over taut flesh.
--recast all of the above in active verb tenses. Gerunds=bad.
----most problematically, the lines "warm fingers of August heat / tracing circles over taut flesh" are almost indecipherable. Is the heat tracing? Is August heating tracing circles? It's intuitive that warm fingers are tracing circles, but that's impossible, because they're doing it "over" and not "on" or "upon," and, more to the point
------there's a rule of construction that commands a reader to assume the author had all possible versions of a writing available. That means, here, I must assume that you decided against the "plainspoken" version of the thought. That is, you can't have meant "warm fingers trace circles on taut flesh," because that version was available to you, and you opted against it.
--------That means I'm absolutely at a loss as to your meaning here.
Brushstrokes mimic alabaster skin
--as stated in the proofer's marks, gestures (which is what brushstrokes are) can't mimic colors. At least, it is hard to imagine them doing so here.
dimpled with shades of barest pink;
--the phrase "barest pink" is nonsensical
--again, the gesture (here, "dimpled") can't be done with a color
her cheeks flush, fires stoked within—
--the literal construction here is that she had something burning in her mouth
she is aroused, and I am nervous.
--I can't understand what your nerves have to do with anything. How do they connect?
The model’s eyes narrow in mischief.
--"The model's" is what Bernstein called, sarcastically, "elegant variation." There seems to be no reason to use "The model's" instead of "her." The fact that you did confuses me. I start wondering if there are two women.
----THIS IS A SERIOUS ISSUE here, given the fact that most readers will believe there is (1) a model and (2) a painting of that model.
I ask her not to smile
--SUPER IMPORTANT. WHY?
but she does anyway.
--Again, WHY?
MACRO on "Diana"
cjchaffin,
There's a helluva poem here, but you have to make some decisions.
Actors
First, is there a painting? If so, is that painting personified? In sum, is this a poem about something erotic or about eroticism? Second, are there brushes and paint? If so, what role do they play? Are they mimicking? Are they standing in for hands and fingers? Are they physical or imagined? Third, is the model aware of you? Nothing in the poem suggests that she is. In fact, the final stanza suggests THE OPPOSITE. If your model doesn't do what you asked, that makes it more likely that she didn't hear you than that she is defying you. The fact that your request isn't quoted reinforces the idea that you thought "don't smile" but did not say it.
Effect
What effect are you trying to achieve? I'm going to convey the facts of your poem in as few words as possible.
"I paint her. She blushes. I get nervous. She smiles even though I asked her not to." In any revision, you get 17 words that you can use for something besides generating an effect.
What effect is it that you want? Surprise? Delight? Embarrassment? Disgust? Bemusement? Right now, it is entirely unclear.
Shape
What are your events and in what order do you want them? Should she be right-away naked? When should you get nervous? Should you start in the field or somewhere else? There's a summer in the poem, and there's the barest suggestion of winter (alabaster skin is a wintertime characteristic). Would the poem be better served by a winter? If so, does it come first or last? Right now, you end with her disobeying you. Why is it important for that to go last? Was she under your sway earlier? What changed? When did it change?
Really go for it with this one. There's something truly magnificent in it, if you can shake it free.
All the best,
crow
Just a point of interest, you might notice the incredibly profound role that the word "brushstrokes" has. It's really really interesting, that.
A yak is normal.