10-10-2014, 08:07 PM
bena wrote:
need help with title preference, and all the usual bs
Blood Lust or Draped Moon dons Maroon
Inhale her perfumed breath,
her wind that stokes your lashes--
sensuality boundless
touching,
yet
detached.
Swallow her full reflection,
arched back
fading from crimson to obsidian shadows.
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
Burn it to the pathways of
your brain,
this perception
of her wonder.
Breathe.
Swallow.
----------
Bena,
Damn there's some excellence here. I wish I knew what kind of edit you'd find useful
On one extreme, I'd say cut everything but these two stanzas--
----------
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
----------
Start with those and build out from there.
On the other extreme, I want to flay this piece so as to point out the cool features of each stanza, as well as the weaknesses. I'll try to achieve a middle ground by just giving feedback on the two stanzas above.
Keep it in mind that the feedback below is meant to say "great work." The proofer's edit is important, but feel free to disregard it.
Proofer's Edit:
Her pull intensifies[,]
--no semi because the clause that follows lacks a verb.
----*clearly* you intend the reader to supply "is," and that's legit, but the formality of the semi undercuts the informal nature of supplied verbs. That is, the semi is a tuxedo, whereas the supplied "is" is a pair of swim trunks.
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
--this is an everyday dilemma, and I think your solve is fine, but check the position of "only" above. Literally, it should be "by only diminishing" or "by diminishing boundaries only".
Catch a glimpse
--this is arguably not a proofer's comment, but it's tough to say what "catch a" is doing in the line above. Specifically, there MUST be a distinction between "glimpsing" and "catching a glimpse," but it is extremely difficult to determine what that distinction is.
----"catching a glimpse" feels more active than "glimpsing," more deliberate--is that what you're going for?
of illumination
--"illumination" is wrong, here, as it nullifies meaning. Compare the phrase "seeing a visible thing." See what I mean? What you want to say is "seeing a thing that is disappearing." So . . . change it
before all is lost.
--is this meant to mean "before it's dark"? The phrase "all is lost" usually means "all hope of good outcomes is lost." Is that what you mean instead?
Copy edit [after I do this copy edit, I'll go through these stanzas again with a line-by-line of why I think they're great]:
Her pull intensifies;
--"intensifies" is flabby
her distance eclipsed
--a thing cannot have distance. It can only be distant relative to something else. Here, it is unclear what the thing is that she is distant from
--the sense is that she's massively far away, but there's an even more extreme feature of her
--distance cannot be eclipsed. You can say "the magnitude of her distance
only
by diminishing boundaries.
--"diminishing boundaries" is nonsense. The enclosed territory can diminish, the boundary can shorten, or the boundary can fade.
--how are diminishing boundaries occluding the view of anything?
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
--contrast: "Glimpsing her before she vanishes" to "catch a glimpse of illumination before all is lost." Which do you want?
Mmmmmk. Now, chuck all the above. They're routine edits, and I feel obliged to make them, but here's the part that matters.
(1) the varied spacing is great and works to good effect.
(2) without the odd uses of time and distance measures, this poem would be ordinary
--that is, if you fix the time and distance issues, the poem loses it's fun part
(3) the sudden 2nd-person imperative in the second stanza below is fantastic. The addressee shifts at the same time as the lines shorten and the diction gets sime and immediate. Pulls me right in.
----------
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
----------
(4) "Diminishing boundaries" is such a menacing idea when describing the moon. Fantastic.
(5) Her "pull intensif[ying]" means one of three things (a) her draw upon some object is getting stronger, (b) her strength is increasing, or © the pulling maneuver that she's performing is climaxing.
--***importantly***, none of those constructions has anything to do with the next lines. That's disorienting in an excelsior way. Super cool.
(6) really and truly, the pun on "eclipsed" is trite BUT!, it's nearly perfect connotively (am I using that word correctly?)
On the title options, neither is good
Neither is good, imho, because neither interfaces with the poem. A "bloodlust" (so spelled, btw) is a lust for blood for bloodshed. That event never coalesces in your poem. As for the other, the moon "putting on" colors likewise doesn't occur.
Just to illustrate, the title "Moon Lust" would fit, as would "The Red Moon Pulls". I'm not saying either title is good, but just that they have some bearing.
need help with title preference, and all the usual bs
Blood Lust or Draped Moon dons Maroon
Inhale her perfumed breath,
her wind that stokes your lashes--
sensuality boundless
touching,
yet
detached.
Swallow her full reflection,
arched back
fading from crimson to obsidian shadows.
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
Burn it to the pathways of
your brain,
this perception
of her wonder.
Breathe.
Swallow.
----------
Bena,
Damn there's some excellence here. I wish I knew what kind of edit you'd find useful
On one extreme, I'd say cut everything but these two stanzas--
----------
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
----------
Start with those and build out from there.
On the other extreme, I want to flay this piece so as to point out the cool features of each stanza, as well as the weaknesses. I'll try to achieve a middle ground by just giving feedback on the two stanzas above.
Keep it in mind that the feedback below is meant to say "great work." The proofer's edit is important, but feel free to disregard it.
Proofer's Edit:
Her pull intensifies[,]
--no semi because the clause that follows lacks a verb.
----*clearly* you intend the reader to supply "is," and that's legit, but the formality of the semi undercuts the informal nature of supplied verbs. That is, the semi is a tuxedo, whereas the supplied "is" is a pair of swim trunks.
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
--this is an everyday dilemma, and I think your solve is fine, but check the position of "only" above. Literally, it should be "by only diminishing" or "by diminishing boundaries only".
Catch a glimpse
--this is arguably not a proofer's comment, but it's tough to say what "catch a" is doing in the line above. Specifically, there MUST be a distinction between "glimpsing" and "catching a glimpse," but it is extremely difficult to determine what that distinction is.
----"catching a glimpse" feels more active than "glimpsing," more deliberate--is that what you're going for?
of illumination
--"illumination" is wrong, here, as it nullifies meaning. Compare the phrase "seeing a visible thing." See what I mean? What you want to say is "seeing a thing that is disappearing." So . . . change it
before all is lost.
--is this meant to mean "before it's dark"? The phrase "all is lost" usually means "all hope of good outcomes is lost." Is that what you mean instead?
Copy edit [after I do this copy edit, I'll go through these stanzas again with a line-by-line of why I think they're great]:
Her pull intensifies;
--"intensifies" is flabby
her distance eclipsed
--a thing cannot have distance. It can only be distant relative to something else. Here, it is unclear what the thing is that she is distant from
--the sense is that she's massively far away, but there's an even more extreme feature of her
--distance cannot be eclipsed. You can say "the magnitude of her distance
only
by diminishing boundaries.
--"diminishing boundaries" is nonsense. The enclosed territory can diminish, the boundary can shorten, or the boundary can fade.
--how are diminishing boundaries occluding the view of anything?
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
--contrast: "Glimpsing her before she vanishes" to "catch a glimpse of illumination before all is lost." Which do you want?
Mmmmmk. Now, chuck all the above. They're routine edits, and I feel obliged to make them, but here's the part that matters.
(1) the varied spacing is great and works to good effect.
(2) without the odd uses of time and distance measures, this poem would be ordinary
--that is, if you fix the time and distance issues, the poem loses it's fun part
(3) the sudden 2nd-person imperative in the second stanza below is fantastic. The addressee shifts at the same time as the lines shorten and the diction gets sime and immediate. Pulls me right in.
----------
Her pull intensifies;
her distance eclipsed
only
by diminishing boundaries.
Catch a glimpse
of illumination
before all is lost.
----------
(4) "Diminishing boundaries" is such a menacing idea when describing the moon. Fantastic.
(5) Her "pull intensif[ying]" means one of three things (a) her draw upon some object is getting stronger, (b) her strength is increasing, or © the pulling maneuver that she's performing is climaxing.
--***importantly***, none of those constructions has anything to do with the next lines. That's disorienting in an excelsior way. Super cool.
(6) really and truly, the pun on "eclipsed" is trite
BUT!, it's nearly perfect connotively (am I using that word correctly?)On the title options, neither is good
Neither is good, imho, because neither interfaces with the poem. A "bloodlust" (so spelled, btw) is a lust for blood for bloodshed. That event never coalesces in your poem. As for the other, the moon "putting on" colors likewise doesn't occur.
Just to illustrate, the title "Moon Lust" would fit, as would "The Red Moon Pulls". I'm not saying either title is good, but just that they have some bearing.
A yak is normal.