10-16-2014, 11:29 PM
hi chris, welcome to the site, i see you already started leaving decent feedback elsewhere; thanks.
the poem;
i removed the align command in order to show the feedback, often i think the align command adds to little. here it works because of the string of singular words you use between verses. that said i'm not sure those refrains are strong enough to claim their own lines. one suggestion would be to remove some of the smaller words. i've underlined some of those i see, there are more.
(the first verse seems to have a meter yet other verses seem to have little or non. on that basis removing some of the words shouldn't affect meter, if it does it wouldn't be hard to use replacement words. there are lots of repeating lines and sentiments that make the poem feel too heavy, try and use different images to repeat similar sentiments instead of some of the refrains. a lot (mainly in the single word lines and near the end of the poem) feel forced.
the poem;
i removed the align command in order to show the feedback, often i think the align command adds to little. here it works because of the string of singular words you use between verses. that said i'm not sure those refrains are strong enough to claim their own lines. one suggestion would be to remove some of the smaller words. i've underlined some of those i see, there are more.
(the first verse seems to have a meter yet other verses seem to have little or non. on that basis removing some of the words shouldn't affect meter, if it does it wouldn't be hard to use replacement words. there are lots of repeating lines and sentiments that make the poem feel too heavy, try and use different images to repeat similar sentiments instead of some of the refrains. a lot (mainly in the single word lines and near the end of the poem) feel forced.
(10-16-2014, 07:48 PM)chris_the_princess Wrote: This is my first poem I think I have written in a few months. I am open to all criticism. I would like to know what I did right and wrong, what you thought of it, what you took from it, and what you think I was thinking when I wrote it. Thank you so much! after a few reads words like light, fend, night, etc could turn the reader from the poem.
The Night
Confined in darkness the light shines brightly,
The light of the moon shines so slightly. the moonlight shines slightly would be more direct though it could perhaps be better worded.
The breeze is heard through the hush of the night;
Even the deaf can hear her fight despite,
The fight she is losing to the light that shines brightly,
The light that still shines ever so slightly,
The light, a reminder - the night must end
Why, oh why - Why can she not fend?
Fend?
Yes,
Fend!
Fend the light that shines brightly.
The light that ends the night so slightly;
The light that leaves for the breeze of the night,
Why must the light still want to fight despite,
Despite the reason why the light must shine so brightly,
Oh why - can’t the light shine slightly?
The night should not want to begin its end.
But then again, why should the night have to fend?
Fend?
Yes,
Fend!
The night should not fend.
It is an inevitable end.
My friend…
The night must end.
We are the ones that are left to fend
Til’ the end.
The end.