gravity

[vagabond]

 
what´s heavy was light
and the other way round
what is rock will to sand   I think "to" would be better as be.
and to stardust be turned. Turned and round doesn't work as a half-rhyme for me.
 
through time and space
we are floating apart Who is "we"?
but gravity´s embrace
acts endlessly far.
 
so we´re again pulled together
and meld to new suns
then one way or another Another would sound better as "other".
we finish to burn  This rhyme doesn't work for me either.
 
only to burst
by the weight of our cores
circle turning forever
magical force

It's very vague, I have no idea who the "we" are, and if they even want to be together or not. You're using lots of general language that doesn't allow me to paint a picture or smell a smell or hear a sound or in any way really experience what you're trying to get across. You also used strange syntax sometimes seemingly to force a rhyme, which makes it hard to read. Just my thoughts as I read your poem, all the best, WJ

yes I admit it´s vague.

"we" can be seen as the idea of a couple. and the poem is about the similaritys of attraction between people and the law of gravity
as well as life circle of suns.
i know there´s not much message behind the metaphors.
still it´s useful for me to hear that as your opinion. thank you.

as to the "half-rhymes" i already discovered that the predominant opinion is "better no rhyme than a dragged half rhyme". i just can´t help thinking differently when i really can´t come up with a better rhyme.

writing verses is just a hobby for me, will never be a profession. and my strange syntax or use of words may be also because i m not a native speaker.
let´s see how long this forum stands my open incompetence. this is no complaint. was hard at first but i really need even negative feedback.