11-24-2014, 02:57 PM
gravity (capitalize title)
Space is expanding in time,
so we are floating apart.
But there is a subtle embrace
that acts on us endlessly far. (It seems like you're using a lot of filler words here to keep the number of syllables in line, maybe try words that convey more meaning?)
Drawing atoms together,
life-giving new suns.
But as energy escapes they finish to burn
and will be ground to star dust again. (I like this one)
Even black holes are exploding
till the weight of their cores
is dispersed against gravity´s force.
attraction always seems to be lost. (lost the message here)
I kind of see what you were getting at with your edit, but the message was still unclear. I would work on the last section; if you can't imagine yourself reading your work to an audience and dropping the microphone at the end, your message was either unclear and/or doesn't pack enough punch.
Space is expanding in time,
so we are floating apart.
But there is a subtle embrace
that acts on us endlessly far. (It seems like you're using a lot of filler words here to keep the number of syllables in line, maybe try words that convey more meaning?)
Drawing atoms together,
life-giving new suns.
But as energy escapes they finish to burn
and will be ground to star dust again. (I like this one)
Even black holes are exploding
till the weight of their cores
is dispersed against gravity´s force.
attraction always seems to be lost. (lost the message here)
I kind of see what you were getting at with your edit, but the message was still unclear. I would work on the last section; if you can't imagine yourself reading your work to an audience and dropping the microphone at the end, your message was either unclear and/or doesn't pack enough punch.