12-21-2014, 04:04 AM
Your edit makes the words flow better and makes some parts more clear, but it also kills the poem. You talk about torn sneakers... and then write like you just discovered what a thesaurus is. The words are too formal and distant; they don't fit the poem. Your reader is envisioning an urban scene, so you should use down-to-earth language to reflect that.
I'll put notes into the poem itself:
Cement blocks underneath my torn sneakers. (Good image; I think you can make it better, however. Instead of just saying what's beneath what, add a verb into it. Say, for example, that cement blocks scrape against your skin through holes in your sneakers. It makes it more interesting.)
I breathe air as thick as dust. (Starting each of these lines with "I" makes it a little choppy. Try to rephrase this line. I'd make the air the subject; like, "thick dusty air chokes my lungs" or something like that. There's a lot of possibilities here.)
I stumble as I rust.
One decays like the withering sidewalk elm, (Don't use "one" here, it sounds awkward. "Decaying" worked fine.)
alive on the surface
with death at its rotten core. (This is a little repetitive. You don't need to say that death is at the core and that the core is rotten. You can remedy that though just by using a verb again to express death and the core as different concepts. For example, "death eating away at its rotten core", except a little more eloquent.)
With dust between my eyes. (Good image, but you used "dust" twice. I'd change it to something else.)
Mind wanders to deaths shadow.
Then I seem to concur. (These two lines are problematic; they hold very little meaning at all. The reader is easily lost here. What does "mind wanders to death's shadow" mean? I assume you mean to say that you're contemplating death, but this is not a good way of saying that. Try to return to how you had it in the original version of the poem, when you say you're "strolling through deaths
gaze". Don't use those same words, but use that same concept. I liked that phrase because it portrays death as a predator, and you as wary prey that's aware death's looking at you. You can possibly use a good metaphor there. Also, don't say "I concur". It's way too formal. Try to find a more interesting way to say you had a realization.)
Dreams are only as they seem. (What do you mean by this? That dreams are only dreams? I feel you could find a better way of putting this that will make it easier to understand for the reader. Make it seem like an "aha!" moment, over just a generic statement. "___... being as it seems" is a bit of a cliche.)
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure. (Rephrase this a bit, and use a different preposition. I think the image you're going for would work better if you showed death's shadow as being cast over the meadow of failure, rather than just being "in" it.)
Delusions, a snare. (Good finish.)
Remember not to alienate your reader, and to show, not tell.
I'll put notes into the poem itself:
Cement blocks underneath my torn sneakers. (Good image; I think you can make it better, however. Instead of just saying what's beneath what, add a verb into it. Say, for example, that cement blocks scrape against your skin through holes in your sneakers. It makes it more interesting.)
I breathe air as thick as dust. (Starting each of these lines with "I" makes it a little choppy. Try to rephrase this line. I'd make the air the subject; like, "thick dusty air chokes my lungs" or something like that. There's a lot of possibilities here.)
I stumble as I rust.
One decays like the withering sidewalk elm, (Don't use "one" here, it sounds awkward. "Decaying" worked fine.)
alive on the surface
with death at its rotten core. (This is a little repetitive. You don't need to say that death is at the core and that the core is rotten. You can remedy that though just by using a verb again to express death and the core as different concepts. For example, "death eating away at its rotten core", except a little more eloquent.)
With dust between my eyes. (Good image, but you used "dust" twice. I'd change it to something else.)
Mind wanders to deaths shadow.
Then I seem to concur. (These two lines are problematic; they hold very little meaning at all. The reader is easily lost here. What does "mind wanders to death's shadow" mean? I assume you mean to say that you're contemplating death, but this is not a good way of saying that. Try to return to how you had it in the original version of the poem, when you say you're "strolling through deaths
gaze". Don't use those same words, but use that same concept. I liked that phrase because it portrays death as a predator, and you as wary prey that's aware death's looking at you. You can possibly use a good metaphor there. Also, don't say "I concur". It's way too formal. Try to find a more interesting way to say you had a realization.)
Dreams are only as they seem. (What do you mean by this? That dreams are only dreams? I feel you could find a better way of putting this that will make it easier to understand for the reader. Make it seem like an "aha!" moment, over just a generic statement. "___... being as it seems" is a bit of a cliche.)
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure. (Rephrase this a bit, and use a different preposition. I think the image you're going for would work better if you showed death's shadow as being cast over the meadow of failure, rather than just being "in" it.)
Delusions, a snare. (Good finish.)
Remember not to alienate your reader, and to show, not tell.