12-28-2014, 12:54 PM
(09-09-2013, 08:17 AM)Bunx Wrote: Editedhow exactly is delusion a snare?
Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.
Is it you that is rusting?
Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with me dying beneath.
the me is awkward, perhaps replace it with another word describing yourself, for example you could use 'my dying frame beneath' also, what exactly is alive on top?
Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.
add a comma after eyes, maybe don't add a period after 'I realize' because the pause is not needed in my opinion.
Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.
