01-28-2015, 09:32 PM
(08-22-2014, 10:14 PM)tectak Wrote: Look to the crow, hung spiked on the wire, wind torn and tied.
Dead by the lead that flew to his calls,
blooding black feather, searing inside;
watch as he falls. This stanza is really evocative, but for one thing: this line sort of makes the imagery inconsistent. The sudden shift of imagery from one so well and deliberately developed into one so short and powerless shows to me like one of those movies where the camera just can't stop moving, and I don't think this is that kind of poem.
Look to the body that swings from the tree, hollow and dried.
Death dealt by demons, holy men all,
whose merciless gods walk by their side. This sentence is kinda jarring. The poem thus far has been speaking through images; now, it's just describing how the person died. Another image, an image that symbolizes what you're just plainly saying here, would be much better.
Face to the wall.
Look to the crow that died without cause, as others will, too. "as others will, too" just feels like such a bad jump from the whole of the line.
Croak into blackness, silence the dawn, Lovely.
keep secret beliefs; next it is you
to be reborn. This feels like such a dud ending....might be better if the lines accompanying it in its stanza were stronger and more supportive.
tectak
2014