Desert Visions

[Brownlie]

Desert Visions  -- Which desert, who is participating in visions?

The sagebrush shakes when wind
shaded with dust  -- Not sure about shaded. It may arguably connect with the "brush" connotations of sagebrush, but it doesn't seem exact enough. I would prefer if the dust particles were placed in the wind or something.
and thin like diner coffee -- I like the comparison to coffee as it domesticates the desert in an interesting way. Perhaps this could be made in fewer words. Is diner coffee thin?
sweeps over
the asphalt of the desert highway.

I lean on my pack in the shade
of buttressed sage. The sky is bright blue -- Shade and sage are used twice and you may want to omit bright.

a worn-out motel bed. I hear the snap
of grasshopper wings become like the hum --"become like the"  is awfully wordy with words that don't convey much.

of bright signs that light city streets in colors; -- Not sure about this semicolon. There are no conjunctive adverbs, coordinating conjunctions or transitional phrases and the clause after it is not independent because of the "of." (Not really extemporaneous grammar on my part)
of vermillion and lime as scents of curry -- vermillion and lime? They have similar meaning.
and rice rise in wafts to the window -- Rise in wafts or wafts? Why make a verb a noun here?

of Sal Paradise. At the sill -- I would put a comma, but that may be just a stylistic thing.
he sucks LA up in one breath

and basks in the cobalt glow. I breathe too,
shut the book, listen to the simmer
of the desert. I hear a faint rumble – I hear a diesel engine rumble?
a diesel engine. Rising from meditation, -- There is some culture that could be explored when one meditates in a subjectively domesticated environment.
I shoulder my pack and stand by the road. -- I don't know much about this pack.



Disclaimer: Sal Paradise is a character in Jack Kerouac's novel On the Road and as such is solely the property of Jack Kerouac's estate. In my poem, I am not seeking to utilize this property in any other way than to explain what is happening in the scene of the poem.

Maybe those comments will help you out, they're certainly not comprehensive.