Desert Visions

[ABennett]

Desert Visions

The sagebrush shakes when wind
shaded with dust
and thin like diner coffee I believe you do not need an "and" in the beginning of this line. You could add a comma after dust.
sweeps over
the asphalt of the desert highway.

I lean on my pack in the shade
of buttressed sage. The sky is bright blue Really like how shade/sage read. Although I do not think you need "the sky is bright blue an". I would suggest ending line two at sage and start line 3 with "the sand conforms".
and the sand conforms to my body like
a worn-out motel bed. I hear the snap
of grasshopper wings become like the hum

of bright signs that light city streets in colors;
of vermillion and lime as scents of curry This is entirely opinion but I would end you sentence at "lime" then start your next sentence with "scents". I think the sentence is a run-on and reads a little to fast I would also avoid having a double  "and"in the same sentence.
and rice rise in wafts to the window
of Sal Paradise. At the sill 
he sucks LA up in one breath

and basks in the cobalt glow. I breathe too,
shut the book, listen to the simmer
of the desert. I hear a faint rumble –
a diesel engine. Rising from meditation,
I shoulder my pack and stand by the road.



Disclaimer: Sal Paradise is a character in Jack Kerouac's novel On the Road and as such is solely the property of Jack Kerouac's estate. In my poem, I am not seeking to utilize this property in any other way than to explain what is happening in the scene of the poem.

Really liked this poem and the concepts you displayed in it. The comparison between the subject the poem reading Kerouac while living out the beat-nick traveler (not sure if that is the right term) lifestyle is a cool comparison. As far as suggestions I would say cut some of the unnecessary words, and first read it was hard to get though because it seemed wordy. It took me a while to really get the flow of the poem and I think trimming it down a bit would help. Anyways thanks for the post! 

Thank you Bunx for your comments and suggestions.  I particularly resonate with the idea of trimming unnecessary language, as I was distinctly attempting to make a vivid scene with limited resources. If it seems wordy, then I have not accomplished my goal!

Thanks again for your input.

---

Desert Visions  -- Which desert, who is participating in visions?

The sagebrush shakes when wind
shaded with dust  -- Not sure about shaded. It may arguably connect with the "brush" connotations of sagebrush, but it doesn't seem exact enough. I would prefer if the dust particles were placed in the wind or something.
and thin like diner coffee -- I like the comparison to coffee as it domesticates the desert in an interesting way. Perhaps this could be made in fewer words. Is diner coffee thin?
sweeps over
the asphalt of the desert highway.

I lean on my pack in the shade
of buttressed sage. The sky is bright blue -- Shade and sage are used twice and you may want to omit bright.

a worn-out motel bed. I hear the snap
of grasshopper wings become like the hum --"become like the"  is awfully wordy with words that don't convey much.

of bright signs that light city streets in colors; -- Not sure about this semicolon. There are no conjunctive adverbs, coordinating conjunctions or transitional phrases and the clause after it is not independent because of the "of." (Not really extemporaneous grammar on my part)
of vermillion and lime as scents of curry -- vermillion and lime? They have similar meaning.
and rice rise in wafts to the window -- Rise in wafts or wafts? Why make a verb a noun here?

of Sal Paradise. At the sill -- I would put a comma, but that may be just a stylistic thing.
he sucks LA up in one breath

and basks in the cobalt glow. I breathe too,
shut the book, listen to the simmer
of the desert. I hear a faint rumble – I hear a diesel engine rumble?
a diesel engine. Rising from meditation, -- There is some culture that could be explored when one meditates in a subjectively domesticated environment.
I shoulder my pack and stand by the road. -- I don't know much about this pack.



Disclaimer: Sal Paradise is a character in Jack Kerouac's novel On the Road and as such is solely the property of Jack Kerouac's estate. In my poem, I am not seeking to utilize this property in any other way than to explain what is happening in the scene of the poem.

Maybe those comments will help you out, they're certainly not comprehensive.

Thank you Brownlie for your detailed comments. I'll try to address some of them here:

-I struggled for a long time thinking of a word to replace "shaded" because I'm thinking of a particular image, specifically how when there's a sudden gust of wind in the high desert the air can look very dingy for a brief second. I will continue to ponder this in hopes I'll come up with something more evocative of the image.

-As for the coffee, I've had my fair share of diner coffee and there are plenty of times when I've felt I was drinking colored water. I suppose my opinion of coffee is subjective, since I'm from the Pacific Northwest. I think your thought is justified, and will reconsider the wording of this line.

-I agree that "become like the" is too wordy and could have the "like" omitted without changing the meaning.

-I believe I added the semicolon to avoid an excessively long sentence, but I see your point that it is not serving its purpose correctly. I will mull on the structure of the sentence and come up with something less haphazard.

-Not sure what you mean by "vermillion and lime" having similar meanings.

-I liked the similarity of "rice" and "rise", which necessitated "wafts" used as a noun rather than a verb - but perhaps including "rise" is superfluous.

-As for the backpack, it's mentioned in the second stanza - hence why I figured it would be best to add it to the end of the poem, since it is an image so closely associated with a hitchhiker.

At any rate, I appreciate your detailed comments and will see to it that some of the suggestions inform my rework of this poem.

Thanks!