02-14-2015, 06:57 AM
Thank you Brownlie for your detailed comments. I'll try to address some of them here:
-I struggled for a long time thinking of a word to replace "shaded" because I'm thinking of a particular image, specifically how when there's a sudden gust of wind in the high desert the air can look very dingy for a brief second. I will continue to ponder this in hopes I'll come up with something more evocative of the image.
-As for the coffee, I've had my fair share of diner coffee and there are plenty of times when I've felt I was drinking colored water. I suppose my opinion of coffee is subjective, since I'm from the Pacific Northwest. I think your thought is justified, and will reconsider the wording of this line.
-I agree that "become like the" is too wordy and could have the "like" omitted without changing the meaning.
-I believe I added the semicolon to avoid an excessively long sentence, but I see your point that it is not serving its purpose correctly. I will mull on the structure of the sentence and come up with something less haphazard.
-Not sure what you mean by "vermillion and lime" having similar meanings.
-I liked the similarity of "rice" and "rise", which necessitated "wafts" used as a noun rather than a verb - but perhaps including "rise" is superfluous.
-As for the backpack, it's mentioned in the second stanza - hence why I figured it would be best to add it to the end of the poem, since it is an image so closely associated with a hitchhiker.
At any rate, I appreciate your detailed comments and will see to it that some of the suggestions inform my rework of this poem.
Thanks!
[/quote]
Yes, Vermillion and lime are different colors. My bad on that one.
-I struggled for a long time thinking of a word to replace "shaded" because I'm thinking of a particular image, specifically how when there's a sudden gust of wind in the high desert the air can look very dingy for a brief second. I will continue to ponder this in hopes I'll come up with something more evocative of the image.
-As for the coffee, I've had my fair share of diner coffee and there are plenty of times when I've felt I was drinking colored water. I suppose my opinion of coffee is subjective, since I'm from the Pacific Northwest. I think your thought is justified, and will reconsider the wording of this line.
-I agree that "become like the" is too wordy and could have the "like" omitted without changing the meaning.
-I believe I added the semicolon to avoid an excessively long sentence, but I see your point that it is not serving its purpose correctly. I will mull on the structure of the sentence and come up with something less haphazard.
-Not sure what you mean by "vermillion and lime" having similar meanings.
-I liked the similarity of "rice" and "rise", which necessitated "wafts" used as a noun rather than a verb - but perhaps including "rise" is superfluous.
-As for the backpack, it's mentioned in the second stanza - hence why I figured it would be best to add it to the end of the poem, since it is an image so closely associated with a hitchhiker.
At any rate, I appreciate your detailed comments and will see to it that some of the suggestions inform my rework of this poem.
Thanks!
[/quote]
Yes, Vermillion and lime are different colors. My bad on that one.