The Sinner

[Voker101]

Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta

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Who slaughtered the lamb?
There's blood on his hands. The Angels done watched him.I think two lines here, and have watched him
They caught him red handed.Who have the angels watched and who was caught
With horns on his head The devil?
and thorns for a crown Jesus
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown Like this line
His conscience is yawning
Guilt by the gallows
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. Judus?
He thirsts for more power. who?
The glass is half empty. Please make this clear; how dies it relate?
The moon's a fool. these two lines create a sudden abrupt in change; anyway, the moon and stars? How do they relate?
He stole the stars.


He prays for a clean slate
But he gets ravens in replyblack raven reply
He's banned from the Heavens Rejected from heaven
If one door closes He finds the door closed
Another one opens Line not necessary
Enter at Hell's gates. Then enters Hell's gates
My screaming is silent. Perhaps these two lines should be on their own since they change the mood; to lay emphasis on them
I hate this asylum.

Hi, one thing you have to do is see how each line relates to each other and be more information. Also, try not to make this a series of one line disconnected statement. I know you have an idea here, try to work on it.  I hope some suggestions above might be helpful. I wish you good luck. Loretta PS: I think the other poets suggestion of break the poem into stanza's a very good idea.

Loretta, thanks a ton! As for who the narrator is suppose to be, he doesn't have a clear identity because I want it to ultimately be up to the reader's interpretation of who he is. I put in a lot of allegories like "thorns for a crown" or "horns on his head" because I think it really mystifies the narrator and makes the reading that much more thought provoking. You are right about the moon part, Haha my original line was "He'd steal all the stars just to piss of the moon." But i really wanted to play off the pronunciation of "fool" sounding like "full". "He thirsts for more power, the glass is half empty" i was meaning that the power he already has feels very inadequate to him. And the last two lines could mean that the narrator is insane and just imagining since he's in an asylum, which is for the mentally handicapped, or that he is in hell, and hell is his new asylum. Either way, at the end of the poem, The narrator is the one who slaughtered the lamb. I shouldve have done a better job at making that more clear. I like making things vague for multiple entendres or different outcomes depending on what the reader thinks. Thanks for reading Loretta!