03-30-2015, 12:52 PM 
	
	
	
		A lot of your answers to other people's critiques would be better than what you have as lines here, if for no other reason they are more explanatory. I'm moving the second part of L2 to L3 as it seems a typo.
There are three important items to cover here. There is the problem of the protagonist, and that the protagonist keeps changing. I can see what you are maybe meaning to do, that is show that everyone had a hand in the killing. There are illusions to humanity is general, Satan, Pilot, Judas and so on. The problem I see is the approach is very stream of consciousness. I could go into the technical aspects of why SOC does not work well in poetry, but the main problem here is length. The poem is simply to short to develop those things that make SOC functional. I understand your wanting to leave the protagonist(s) undefined, but that simply leads to confusion.
When people read this they will not try to understand what you are saying, their attention will be on trying to decide who is who, this is simply human curiosity, but for most it is necessary to be able to answer the question of meaning, or what is the poet trying to convey. So such an approach takes the focus off of where it should be and puts it on something that is technically problematic.
Thematically what has been introduced is on the level of an epic in terms of the ground it needs to cover to do justice to it. Maybe not Homerian is scope, but certainly needs to be longer and needs much weightier lines , whether satire or not. This feels to me like it is a synopsis of the poem.
Last point, the point of view of the speaker needs some consistency. The speaker cannot at one moment be omniscient (view what angels are doing) and the next being the protagonist. "My screaming is silent. I hate this asylum."
I think this is a very great idea, but it is probably going to be difficult to pull off. I certainly attempted things like this while I was still young, some of the ideas were good, some overblown, most I handled poorly simply because I had yet to develop the skill. I am not saying you are bound by this, just that I was. I look forward to seeing what you do with this. I thank you, you have got me in the mood for some "Paradise Lost."
Best,
Dale
	
	
(03-29-2015, 12:04 PM)Voker101 Wrote: Who slaughtered the lamb? (To me "slaughtered" seems overly dramatic. I think slaughtered something that does not exists, at least not in what you are trying to imply. You might want to consider starting "He killed the Lamb -there's blood on his hands-the Angels watched unmoving" That has a nice smoothness to the line)________________________________________________________________________________________
There's blood on his hands. (I would drop this line, unless you want to appear to implicate Pilot, which I don't think you want to. But then again maybe you do. It seems you want to change the protagonist often to include all who were involed in this act)
The Angels done watched him. (Obviously "done" must be excised unless you want the speaker to sound like a redneck.)
They caught him red handed. (No, sorry, but no. You might as well say they hung him in the end. "we caught'em red handed Marshall Dillon. Well string'em up Festus, string'em up!)
With horns on his head (drop "with". Need to choose between these two line, or combine them. Maybe, "His two horns poke through his crown of thorns". This gives a nice internal rhyme although it disrupts the end rhyme, but I think incidental rhyme for emphasis might serve you better, especially as the meter is inconsistent.)
and thorns for a crown
With Death in his bed
and glee on his frown (does either of these two lines do much. I don't really see it. One cannot have glee on a frown. A frown is a physical effect of the mouth reflecting unhappiness or similar emotion, one cannot superimpose glee on this. As glee is an emotion of happiness at someone else' misfortune, one can see how it would be impossible to have the same facial expression represent both unhappiness and happiness at the same time.)
His conscience is yawning (How does a conscience yawn, maybe reeling?)
Guilt by the gallows (this is a dependent clause that is not attached to an independent clause, it is obviously not attached to what comes before or after. If you are trying to be satiric by using circular logic. You need to make it more plain what you mean to say, at least something to the effect of, "He was guilty by way of the gallows." Meaning the only guilt he showed was the inference of being guilty because he was hung. )
The vultures are waiting
to feast on his morals. (As the reader does not know who "he" is it is impossible to evaluate this line. I will address this more in depth later. The lack of knowledge of the protagonist that is.)
He thirsts for more power.
The glass is half empty. (Maybe reverse these and half full instead of empty "the glass stands half full, yet he still thirst for power.")
The moon's a fool.
He stole the stars. (This makes it sound like the moon stole the stars, still neither seems to make much sense. I'm sure you have an idea of what you mean to convey, but you simply have not conveyed it here. As I have no idea what that is I can offer no help)
He prays for a clean slate (He prays to be given a clean slate, only ravens the reply. I'd probably go with ashes, but I really don't understand what you are going for with ravens. The only thing I might guess at is in the Bible ravens were considered unclean because they ate carrion, although I don't quite see how that would fit. Most other cultures see ravens as positive symbols: Self-knowledge, Magic, Mysteries, Creation, Divination, Wisdom, Truth, Answers. I guess in some aboriginal groups the raven represents death. Seems like the Denay thought like this, sort of the intermediary. )
But he gets ravens in reply
He's banned from the Heavens
If one door closes
Another one opens (extremely trite)
Enter at Hell's gates.
My screaming is silent.
I hate this asylum. (If this is Satan, it seems contrary to modern perception, which means any time past Milton, "Better to reign in Hell, than serve in Heaven!" But who else has been banned from heaven. During the time of Christ, Satan was still seen as the tempter, the same role he played with Job, a role that God put him up to. So only a more modern perception would match this, one that had been formed of Dante and Milton.)
There are three important items to cover here. There is the problem of the protagonist, and that the protagonist keeps changing. I can see what you are maybe meaning to do, that is show that everyone had a hand in the killing. There are illusions to humanity is general, Satan, Pilot, Judas and so on. The problem I see is the approach is very stream of consciousness. I could go into the technical aspects of why SOC does not work well in poetry, but the main problem here is length. The poem is simply to short to develop those things that make SOC functional. I understand your wanting to leave the protagonist(s) undefined, but that simply leads to confusion.
When people read this they will not try to understand what you are saying, their attention will be on trying to decide who is who, this is simply human curiosity, but for most it is necessary to be able to answer the question of meaning, or what is the poet trying to convey. So such an approach takes the focus off of where it should be and puts it on something that is technically problematic.
Thematically what has been introduced is on the level of an epic in terms of the ground it needs to cover to do justice to it. Maybe not Homerian is scope, but certainly needs to be longer and needs much weightier lines , whether satire or not. This feels to me like it is a synopsis of the poem.
Last point, the point of view of the speaker needs some consistency. The speaker cannot at one moment be omniscient (view what angels are doing) and the next being the protagonist. "My screaming is silent. I hate this asylum."
I think this is a very great idea, but it is probably going to be difficult to pull off. I certainly attempted things like this while I was still young, some of the ideas were good, some overblown, most I handled poorly simply because I had yet to develop the skill. I am not saying you are bound by this, just that I was. I look forward to seeing what you do with this. I thank you, you have got me in the mood for some "Paradise Lost."
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
	
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.

 

 
