04-01-2015, 12:08 AM
I have no idea what this poem is about. Who is your target audience?
I'm just gonna focus on one thing here. The quotes and parentheses are not giving the piece the effect that you think they are. Using punctuation to direct the reader can be clever and down right necessary. However, it's not done correctly at all in this piece.
normal line
parentheses
quotes
parentheses
normal
normal
normal
normal
normal
You give the reader a single line, before you start trying to force your punctuation on them. That's not good enough. Even worse, you hit the reader with 3 at once without context and then go right back to normality for the rest of the piece (which means you werent trying to set anything up, such as repetitive punctuation to give special attention/meaning to certain ideas).
Why is there a quote between two parentheses? Is there an example of this in life or in another work that I can relate to as the reader? This is so unnatural, so forced. Meaning, you're making it up. there's nothing the reader can draw from in their own experience to match up with how you're presenting things (either in this piece, in others, or even in life. parentheses quotes parentheses. what is that in the real world?). im left confused because i'm not sure what the writer intended. That's not what you want at the beginning of your piece. You want to win the reader's trust before you start "getting creative".
Point is, if this piece was written without the weird punctuation, it would be a lot more approachable. Would it drastically improve the piece. No. The punctuation has very little to do with the piece. It has a lot to do with you as a writer. Which is why I chose to focus on it.
I'm just gonna focus on one thing here. The quotes and parentheses are not giving the piece the effect that you think they are. Using punctuation to direct the reader can be clever and down right necessary. However, it's not done correctly at all in this piece.
normal line
parentheses
quotes
parentheses
normal
normal
normal
normal
normal
You give the reader a single line, before you start trying to force your punctuation on them. That's not good enough. Even worse, you hit the reader with 3 at once without context and then go right back to normality for the rest of the piece (which means you werent trying to set anything up, such as repetitive punctuation to give special attention/meaning to certain ideas).
Why is there a quote between two parentheses? Is there an example of this in life or in another work that I can relate to as the reader? This is so unnatural, so forced. Meaning, you're making it up. there's nothing the reader can draw from in their own experience to match up with how you're presenting things (either in this piece, in others, or even in life. parentheses quotes parentheses. what is that in the real world?). im left confused because i'm not sure what the writer intended. That's not what you want at the beginning of your piece. You want to win the reader's trust before you start "getting creative".
Point is, if this piece was written without the weird punctuation, it would be a lot more approachable. Would it drastically improve the piece. No. The punctuation has very little to do with the piece. It has a lot to do with you as a writer. Which is why I chose to focus on it.
keep writing. otherwise our words are wasted.