04-09-2015, 01:36 AM
Hello, a couple of comments for you. If this is a personal poem you want to hand someone you could title it "Beth". Here are some comments in the lines.
While you're on the other side of the world to me,--You could cut "to me" its implied.
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;--This implies to me that the anger, fights, and confusion will stop with the distance.
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.--again implying that there's a difficulty of seeing this truth up close. Soul is a bit overused in love poetry--so be careful, a line like this can read as too melodramatic. That said, if its a personal poem given to someone it will probably be fine.
The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,--electricity makes this line feel a bit too long and cumbersome.
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,--This is all a nice idea but it sounds a little off to me. I'd try to tighten up the couplet.
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;--shoots up my arm is fine, blows through my mind doesn't suggest electricity. It feels a bit generic. Try to expand on your image of what the electricity might do.
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.--The shockwave could use a little build up so it doesn't seem like a list instead of an expected outcome.
And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.--A bit over dramatic for my tastes, but might work in the personal love poem. I think more specific choices and less generic shorthand would still make it stronger. "Magic" "love would shine brighter than the light of any day" don't really add much original power to this.
Whether washed up on some tepid tide,---I don't know if this servers you well. It could imply that you're sometimes unenthusiastic about being with her...tepid isn't helping this for me.
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.
Just some thoughts to consider. I hope some of it is helpful.
Best,
Todd
While you're on the other side of the world to me,--You could cut "to me" its implied.
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;--This implies to me that the anger, fights, and confusion will stop with the distance.
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.--again implying that there's a difficulty of seeing this truth up close. Soul is a bit overused in love poetry--so be careful, a line like this can read as too melodramatic. That said, if its a personal poem given to someone it will probably be fine.
The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,--electricity makes this line feel a bit too long and cumbersome.
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,--This is all a nice idea but it sounds a little off to me. I'd try to tighten up the couplet.
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;--shoots up my arm is fine, blows through my mind doesn't suggest electricity. It feels a bit generic. Try to expand on your image of what the electricity might do.
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides.--The shockwave could use a little build up so it doesn't seem like a list instead of an expected outcome.
And if the world was forever eclipsed,
By the magic that passes between our lips,
I couldn't care for what they all might say;
For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.--A bit over dramatic for my tastes, but might work in the personal love poem. I think more specific choices and less generic shorthand would still make it stronger. "Magic" "love would shine brighter than the light of any day" don't really add much original power to this.
Whether washed up on some tepid tide,---I don't know if this servers you well. It could imply that you're sometimes unenthusiastic about being with her...tepid isn't helping this for me.
Or lost in a maze, you'll forever be my guide.
You show me life, where all seems dead;
You make my life, I love you, Beth.
Just some thoughts to consider. I hope some of it is helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson