04-10-2015, 02:24 AM
Hello there Bananadon~!
First of all, thank you for sharing your poem with us. I have read it through several times, and I also have recorded myself reading your poem in order to locate where your poem might flows or where it might not. (Which if you're interested, I can present it to you via PM, but if this is a personal poem you're going to give to someone, I don't think it's necessary.)
Now where to begin?
Well, to me, your poem conveys a strong, powerful message of love. You have used a lot of strong words which I personally enjoyed, such as: electricity, howling, shockwave, magic, shine. All of these words give me the overall feel of the impact of love and although I enjoy all of these words, I feel maybe the message is a little too pronounced.
I feel like perhaps the title of your poem starts to become obsolete after the first stanza. I could be mistaken but after the first four lines, I don't feel like the message of the poem is about distance. This is just my personal opinion, and I know that the title doesn't emcompass the entirety of a poem, but if that is what you were aiming for, I felt like the meaning got a little lost along the way.
One of my favourite lines in your poem is 'For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.' It might be a little over dramatic for some, and actually what the line is saying isn't what I like the most. What I really like is how this is the longest line of the poem, it really makes it stand out to me. Like it shines brighter than any other line in your poem, and so it should in order to convey what it is saying.
On that note, another line that I really like from your poem is 'The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;' I love the imagery I gained from this. The storminess of a relationship, the intensity of the negative things that can happen between two people that love each other. I also really love the use semi-colon on the end here, as if waiting for that fog and wind to pass.
There is one line as well, which I feel is a little too forced 'I couldn't care for what they all might say;', Perhaps a little condensing, and wording it in a way similar to 'I couldn't care for all they might say;' could improve it?
Just some thoughts, I hope that my feedback could help you in some way.
Wishing you success!
wanderlust
First of all, thank you for sharing your poem with us. I have read it through several times, and I also have recorded myself reading your poem in order to locate where your poem might flows or where it might not. (Which if you're interested, I can present it to you via PM, but if this is a personal poem you're going to give to someone, I don't think it's necessary.)
Now where to begin?
Well, to me, your poem conveys a strong, powerful message of love. You have used a lot of strong words which I personally enjoyed, such as: electricity, howling, shockwave, magic, shine. All of these words give me the overall feel of the impact of love and although I enjoy all of these words, I feel maybe the message is a little too pronounced.
I feel like perhaps the title of your poem starts to become obsolete after the first stanza. I could be mistaken but after the first four lines, I don't feel like the message of the poem is about distance. This is just my personal opinion, and I know that the title doesn't emcompass the entirety of a poem, but if that is what you were aiming for, I felt like the meaning got a little lost along the way.
One of my favourite lines in your poem is 'For our love would shine brighter than the light of any day.' It might be a little over dramatic for some, and actually what the line is saying isn't what I like the most. What I really like is how this is the longest line of the poem, it really makes it stand out to me. Like it shines brighter than any other line in your poem, and so it should in order to convey what it is saying.
On that note, another line that I really like from your poem is 'The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;' I love the imagery I gained from this. The storminess of a relationship, the intensity of the negative things that can happen between two people that love each other. I also really love the use semi-colon on the end here, as if waiting for that fog and wind to pass.
There is one line as well, which I feel is a little too forced 'I couldn't care for what they all might say;', Perhaps a little condensing, and wording it in a way similar to 'I couldn't care for all they might say;' could improve it?
Just some thoughts, I hope that my feedback could help you in some way.
Wishing you success!
wanderlust