04-11-2015, 12:44 AM
While you're on the other side of the world to me,
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.
Imagery is good here. "Howling" and "thick fog" and then immediately contrasting with the clarity in the last line.
The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides
The use of the electricity is a tad too strong following the slightly weaker reference to the storm in the first stanza. Maybe amp (excuse the pun) up the storminess in the first stanza or tone it down. The chemistry sounds intense but a little graphic for a love poem. In my opinion.
Nice one! Lucky Beth ;-)
Everything will change, this side of the sea.
The howling wind will pass, the thick fog will go;
You'll hear my truth, you'll see my soul.
Imagery is good here. "Howling" and "thick fog" and then immediately contrasting with the clarity in the last line.
The feeling of electricity when I hold your hand,
As if lighting had struck twice where I stand,
Shoots up my arm and blows through my mind;
Like a shockwave, your touch ripples through my insides
The use of the electricity is a tad too strong following the slightly weaker reference to the storm in the first stanza. Maybe amp (excuse the pun) up the storminess in the first stanza or tone it down. The chemistry sounds intense but a little graphic for a love poem. In my opinion.
Nice one! Lucky Beth ;-)