04-20-2015, 09:25 PM
Something very large is missing. A point. A connection to the reader. When you wrote this, did you chose to divide into sections for a reason? I get that it is pieces of a larger picture, but you're going to have to defend starting S2 with "no," as if the reader should know why we jumped in mid-thought. Does that make sense?
The first S is almost impressive (no pun) but it needed just a bit more fleshing out. If you did that, it could stand alone as a minimalist piece. The concept behind 2 is good, but I see it as a stanza in a much longer poem. S3 just reads like hogwash to me. Trying too hard to sound poetic, or trying too hard to be ambiguous and vague--either way you've lost this reader in the subtext that isn't supplied.
Keep working on it. I always say revision is the best way to learn how to reach your intended audience. Good luck!
mel/bena
The first S is almost impressive (no pun) but it needed just a bit more fleshing out. If you did that, it could stand alone as a minimalist piece. The concept behind 2 is good, but I see it as a stanza in a much longer poem. S3 just reads like hogwash to me. Trying too hard to sound poetic, or trying too hard to be ambiguous and vague--either way you've lost this reader in the subtext that isn't supplied.
Keep working on it. I always say revision is the best way to learn how to reach your intended audience. Good luck!
mel/bena