04-23-2015, 04:49 PM
I really enjoyed reading the comments and then seeing your edits. I love a good villanelle and someone who even tries to write like this anymore.
You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:
"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"
When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.
You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.
You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:
"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"
When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.
You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.