Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[TimeOut]

Well, this has been interesting. Rather than abandon it I tried to get it to make sense first so I might be able to work on it. It may make more sense,  the meter may be improved, but it now bores even me to death, sucked the life right out of it.

Just checking up this old thread.  I wonder if now, given some time and distance and reading the three iterations over again you feel the same way.

Have I done something evil to you lately? I know, made you read that rondeau.

I have a tendency to favor things I can relate to. As a child, I can remember watching the moonbeams dancing through my window, so overall the poem worked for me.  

"Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill."

To me, that was the weakest --- but the last verse I especially liked, because I didn't expect it --

Thanks so much for ready Snarly, and for pointing out a weak point. I guess I'll be taking another look at this one.

I really enjoyed reading the comments and then seeing your edits. I love a good villanelle and someone who even tries to write like this anymore.

You've improved remarkably well in your two edits, but there is one line...JUST ONE, that sticks out:

"Bright orange starlight starts to spill,"

When you read this out loud you get, "starLIGHT", which automatically creates a pause. Nitpicky...yes, but you break the pattern of all the first lines of each stanza.

You could read it as, "BRIGHT orange starlight starts to spill", and that keeps the meter, but none of your other beginning stanza lines start with that emphasis. You keep a consistent emphasis on the third or fourth syllable.

I so appreciate the read and comment, Time Out. Although I came to the site with this one, the pen is a great place to work on forms, you'll find two excellent new villes by Tiger in the NaPM.

I still often have poor poet's wishful thinking with my meter.
I am saying: bright ORange STARlight STARTS to SPILL.
Could you scan the whole line for me so I can see how you end up where you are?

Then again, it's a pretty awful line, your attention to it makes me want to change it anyway

Well, thanks all, I'll give the thread a thorough read and see what happens.

Okay so this is how I read each beginning line:

A moonbeam's TRAIL which winds downHILL

Across the LAKE, in midnight's STILL,

Light focused TIGHT enough to FILL

Sir owl's HOOT and barn wren's TRILL

Bright orange starLIGHT starts to SPILL (if you read it this way, you'll hear the pause I'm talking about)

White swans' reFLECtive wing and BILL

Hope that helps?