Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[ellajam]

Have I done something evil to you lately? I know, made you read that rondeau.

Fair question.  I remember when you were working on it before, you edited and decided you didn't like it anymore so i never really bothered to read through it much.  i just happened to run across it recently and thought that the edited version was probably 1000x better than the first and quite a bit better than the second.  It also seemed it would be obvious to others so i wondered if time and space had changed your feeling toward them at all.

Yes, I can appreciate that the edit is much more easy to read and understand, better. But at a minimum:

A moonbeam's trail which winds downhill I don't like "which".
is slipping through the wooden blind
to dance upon my windowsill.

Across the lake, in midnight's still, Ugh to midnight's still
a rippled, glittered path defined: No to rippled, glittered.
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill.

Light focused tight enough to fill
the room, in matching streams aligned maybe better without the comma.
to dance upon my windowsill.

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
cross through the air, at last to find
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill.

Bright orange starlight starts to spill, meh to bright orange.
careening down a spiraled rind,
to dance upon my windowsill.

White swans' reflective wing and bill
go gliding by to bring to mind Maybe dump the first "to".
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.

 
Any opinions on whether or not downHILL is acceptable?

When I show any improvement the credit is to The Pen, thanks to all of you who take the time to push me along. I'm also a good example of how valuable it is to learn to critique other people's poems, bound to learn something in the process.