Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[ellajam]

I know with some modern villanelles it's ok to change the words around...I kind of like unwind with "wooden blind' but that's just an ignorant person's viewpoint.

love ya
mel.

yo asked if downhill works; i think it does. i think you could do a little more the that line as a refrain though i see you changed winds to flow in one line but wonder if you could make even more changes? [and sorry for the rather long bit of feedback]

A moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill.
a moonbeam's trail which wends downhill
the moonbeam's trail, which flows downhill. [just suggestion for you to play with of course]
i think it bloody marvellous. i did read the original and first edit and this second one is much better, the thing with meter (for me at least) is that i need to use a few filler words like [which] so if their inclusion allows the poem to be better than to not have them i'm all for it. most of the points i made are niggly things to be used or left as you see fit. nice work, good edits.

edit#2 (it may not be fair to blame milo)


A moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
is slipping through the wooden blind
to dance upon my windowsill. feels a bit weak, and if it's supposed to then all's well, i pose the question 'could it be more lively?' [to party on my windowsill] which in some way shows the window is open and the blinds are moving with a breeze/wind/wet fart etc?

Across the lake, in midnight's still,
a rippled, glittered path defined:
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill.

Light focused tight enough to fill  like the assonance of light and tight, normally i would question tight over sharp but it works well and is easily comprehended.
the room, in matching streams aligned this works really well with the blind line
to dance upon my windowsill.

Sir owl's hoot and barn wren's trill sir feels weak, a suggestion would be barn or something else
cross through the air, at last to find does noise cross or pass through air?
a moonbeam's trail which flows downhill.

Bright orange starlight starts to spill,
careening down a spiraled rind, should it be spiralled of is it one of those spell it with or without crossovers?
to dance upon my windowsill.

White swans' reflective wing and bill wings [they have two] though you could be seeing only one of them
go gliding by to bring to mind a suggestion would be to swap one of the [to's] you could say [they] instead of [to] in the first instance with a comma or semi colon after by.
a moonbeam's trail which winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.

Thanks bean and bill, I'm editing now so really appreciate having your comments to add to my own. I really had given this one up for dead, but coming back it still holds some interest for me. Villes are challenging but fun to edit, gets the brain going.

You're such a party animal, billy, "party on" gets rid of the not so good "upon" but it may be a little raucous for bedtime, too big an image. I'll think on it though, thanks for the idea. Those refrains are touchy things.

Hi--

This is my first post--hooray! I agree with Dale about keeping the poem in a dream-like imagery, because it awakens the imagination of the reader, engaging her like an enthralling painting. I do think, though, the mundane aspects of the poem give it a universal human quality, which is a wonderful thing, because it makes it much more intimate and relatable.

As far as its meaning, I feel it is conveying the observer quality of being a person--a seemingly idle yet engaged onlooker with unique interpretations of the world churning rhythmically (like your poem's rhythm) outside the 'bedroom view.'

Hi, Proteus, welcome to the pig pen. Hooray right back at ya.
Thank you for your point of view. The balance of mundane and imagination is often a challenge for me, I like a string on my balloon, your comment encourages me to aim for that on the new edit.

i can't resist a workshop tip for you: Try to address the poem directly instead of basing your comment on someone else's and let the OP weigh things out. In this case Dale's comment was addressing an earlier edit, I'm working on the top one now. Do you think I've lost some of what you like? If so, what?

Anyway, fine first post, thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. I hope you enjoy the site