04-28-2015, 11:43 AM
Ok, a really nice poem start here. Absolutely keep going, do not scrap it. It has great bones and needs to be fleshed out.
[Impressions]
The title is too vague. A good title is supposed to let the reader in as to what can be expected in the poem. Use the title as an important line in your poem.
I
A melody implied
by the rustling of leaves:
the hem of your dress
sweeps across the forest floor.
In the above stanza I would ditch the Roman numeral (all three in fact) as it serves no purpose unless you're implying three little vignettes. I think the opening line is good in setting a tone by the implication of sound and place (we're outside in nature). And then in the second line, you reveal this sweeping scene. All that is good for openers. Now what? I think you need to offer up a bit more information so the reader is pulled in a bit more and can relate to what this is meant to be about. I get the sense that it's some kind of love scenario by the tone.
II
No, we'll walk with the mist
at our backs. I don't trust you
not to disappear.
How did we get from the sweeping gown to mist? Give us a bit more, then "the mist at our backs," can possibly work. A few lines could help so much. I must say that I am intrigued. The "I don't trust you" is great, full of suspense but give me more to work with. Just a smidgen.
III
In that cool, pulsating darkness,
every random passerby
bears your face.
But your eyes are yours alone.
Ok, now you've taken a huge leap. How did we get out of the trees and to a place where the speaker is alone and sees the other person in everyone else's face? It feels like a love scenario to me where the lover doesn't trust the other yet can't get her out of his (her) head.
Try taking out the numbers, adding a few key lines and submitting it again. Keep revising. There's some mystery here.
[Impressions]
The title is too vague. A good title is supposed to let the reader in as to what can be expected in the poem. Use the title as an important line in your poem.
I
A melody implied
by the rustling of leaves:
the hem of your dress
sweeps across the forest floor.
In the above stanza I would ditch the Roman numeral (all three in fact) as it serves no purpose unless you're implying three little vignettes. I think the opening line is good in setting a tone by the implication of sound and place (we're outside in nature). And then in the second line, you reveal this sweeping scene. All that is good for openers. Now what? I think you need to offer up a bit more information so the reader is pulled in a bit more and can relate to what this is meant to be about. I get the sense that it's some kind of love scenario by the tone.
II
No, we'll walk with the mist
at our backs. I don't trust you
not to disappear.
How did we get from the sweeping gown to mist? Give us a bit more, then "the mist at our backs," can possibly work. A few lines could help so much. I must say that I am intrigued. The "I don't trust you" is great, full of suspense but give me more to work with. Just a smidgen.
III
In that cool, pulsating darkness,
every random passerby
bears your face.
But your eyes are yours alone.
Ok, now you've taken a huge leap. How did we get out of the trees and to a place where the speaker is alone and sees the other person in everyone else's face? It feels like a love scenario to me where the lover doesn't trust the other yet can't get her out of his (her) head.
Try taking out the numbers, adding a few key lines and submitting it again. Keep revising. There's some mystery here.