05-11-2015, 07:07 AM
Hello i.might.be.bit.sad. - (I hope you'e not by the way, sad that is)
Anyway,
This is quite a journey for the protagonist, I really feel for her. I think you handled the subjects well.
A couple of things for you to think about.
The first stanza - I like the message, but perhaps beginning each line with "I told myself", is a tad overkill. I couldn't decern any particular meter you have to observe, to perhaps every other line would be enough. Maybe something like -
In November,
I told myself I loved him
I told myself my heart raced for him. ............(And that my heart raced just for him)
I told myself I smiled for him.
I told myself I would remember every moment. ...............(That I'd remember every moment).
In December,
My heart raced, ............I'm just feeling I could do with a bit more here - "My heart "did" race". Just gives me that bit extra affirmation that even if it didn't race before, it is now.
as he chased me.
I remembered every moment- .............does this have to be passed tense? "I remember every moment" might work better.
His hand on my arm.
Running running, running.
My backpack making bruises on my arms.
Screaming at someone ANYONE to help me. ............Screaming "for" someone, might sound better than "at" someone in particular.
Looking at their faces, as no one did. ..............."but" no one did. Just sounds better to my ear.
I did not love, because of him (comma)
I did not smile, because of him.
It is May.
I smile for her.
My heart beats with hers.
I love her, and I remember every beautiful moment.
I don't have to tell myself anything.
I like this last stanza, and I don't think I would change any of it. I like the transition to finding your true self and being genuinely happy.
Hope you don't mind too much my comments, there only my thoughts. I'm sure others might disagree completely LOL.
best regards
Mark
Anyway,
This is quite a journey for the protagonist, I really feel for her. I think you handled the subjects well.
A couple of things for you to think about.
The first stanza - I like the message, but perhaps beginning each line with "I told myself", is a tad overkill. I couldn't decern any particular meter you have to observe, to perhaps every other line would be enough. Maybe something like -
In November,
I told myself I loved him
I told myself my heart raced for him. ............(And that my heart raced just for him)
I told myself I smiled for him.
I told myself I would remember every moment. ...............(That I'd remember every moment).
In December,
My heart raced, ............I'm just feeling I could do with a bit more here - "My heart "did" race". Just gives me that bit extra affirmation that even if it didn't race before, it is now.
as he chased me.
I remembered every moment- .............does this have to be passed tense? "I remember every moment" might work better.
His hand on my arm.
Running running, running.
My backpack making bruises on my arms.
Screaming at someone ANYONE to help me. ............Screaming "for" someone, might sound better than "at" someone in particular.
Looking at their faces, as no one did. ..............."but" no one did. Just sounds better to my ear.
I did not love, because of him (comma)
I did not smile, because of him.
It is May.
I smile for her.
My heart beats with hers.
I love her, and I remember every beautiful moment.
I don't have to tell myself anything.
I like this last stanza, and I don't think I would change any of it. I like the transition to finding your true self and being genuinely happy.
Hope you don't mind too much my comments, there only my thoughts. I'm sure others might disagree completely LOL.
best regards
Mark