Nightwalking (title change, edit #3.2 (Todd)

[ellajam]

Hi Ella,

This version is improved. A couple comments below:

edit #3.1 (Todd)

A moonbeam's trail unwinds downhill
and threads its way through wooden blinds
to dance upon my windowsill.

Fermented through a moonshine still--This is much clearer as to purpose. Though I do have one issue with it. This is something Tom dealt with me on with one of my poems. I was misusing fermentation and distillation. In the case you describe, fermentation takes place BEFORE it gets to the still. You ferment to make what is known as a wash. This wash is then distilled. I could be wrong here, but I don't think I am. The still distills but does not ferment. I hate to be picky because its much clearer and it sounds good, but it could be one of those content issues that could throw off the line.
a glittered path of gold designs
a moonbeam's trail unwound downhill;
light focuses enough to fill--you eliminated the problem here.
the room, its broken stream aligns--I love the change with broken. It feels more right for what it describes.
to two-step on my windowsill.

Night owl's hoot and barn wren's trill
meet in the air, their song entwines
with moonbeam trails that wind downhill
as darkness bursts the stars until
they spill like spiraled orange rinds
and skip across my windowsill.

White swan's reflective wings and bill
go gliding by, its path defines
a moonbeam's trail that winds downhill
to dance upon my windowsill.

I think the revision is moving this in the right direction. I like the poem. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

Thanks for distillimg and fermenting, Todd.. A simple exchange would work meter-wise but the sonics stink. Maybe fermenting flow through moonshine still, or fermented flow through moonshine still, or something else. I'll think on it, thanks so much for coming back to this, much appreciated.