Hi Paul,
I really like this piece. I know this isn't a critique forum so I hope you don't mind if I give you a few comments.
I hated reading your answer of why you wrote this just now, because I was going in an entirely different direction.
As you have the poem right now, "open wider" seems very strange in the context of altitude. I also don't know if there's a sound I'd associate with earthquake, but honestly I think the lines sound so cool that this bothers me very slightly.
I was seeing this poem in the context of a romantic relationship actually when things began to get difficult.
As you have the poem, I would consider finding a way to rework S3 as it falls below the quality of your first two strophes. That made me wonder if you could change the title to reveal S3 there somehow.
I came up with a title that sort of worked for the relationship context keeping the poem as it is. Though as that was not your intent it may not work for you.
Title: Love at Altitude
Oh well, please forgive the ramble.
Todd
I really like this piece. I know this isn't a critique forum so I hope you don't mind if I give you a few comments.
I hated reading your answer of why you wrote this just now, because I was going in an entirely different direction.
As you have the poem right now, "open wider" seems very strange in the context of altitude. I also don't know if there's a sound I'd associate with earthquake, but honestly I think the lines sound so cool that this bothers me very slightly.
I was seeing this poem in the context of a romantic relationship actually when things began to get difficult.
As you have the poem, I would consider finding a way to rework S3 as it falls below the quality of your first two strophes. That made me wonder if you could change the title to reveal S3 there somehow.
I came up with a title that sort of worked for the relationship context keeping the poem as it is. Though as that was not your intent it may not work for you.
Title: Love at Altitude
Oh well, please forgive the ramble.
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson