05-14-2015, 01:16 PM
Todds-lee,
Actually according to his nibs, this is a critical forum, now. So......
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Paul,
In S1 "Gasp" should come before awareness, it is how the lungs are aware, they are not aware then gasp. Oh yeah, you can use capital letters if you want to. Suggest like:
"Lungs gasp: becoming aware
of their limitations."
I enjoy S2 as is.
S3 - Instead of "stop daring me to open wider--"
Maybe "don't dare me to open wider" Keeping it in the present tense makes it more immediate.
In terms of title, I'd move the current down to the first and put as title "Exposed at Altitude".
Dale
Actually according to his nibs, this is a critical forum, now. So......
______________________________________________________________
Paul,
In S1 "Gasp" should come before awareness, it is how the lungs are aware, they are not aware then gasp. Oh yeah, you can use capital letters if you want to. Suggest like:
"Lungs gasp: becoming aware
of their limitations."
I enjoy S2 as is.
S3 - Instead of "stop daring me to open wider--"
Maybe "don't dare me to open wider" Keeping it in the present tense makes it more immediate.
In terms of title, I'd move the current down to the first and put as title "Exposed at Altitude".
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.