haiku attempt

[just mercedes]

tried to get a better, (maybe) original image. worse? Better? I can't tell...

Bells and incense
Candlelight on yellowed cards,
Thunder crashes

Incense permeates
The rain, bells tinkle and sigh;;
Tell me my future

Hi - we try to post the edits above the original at the top of the thread so it's easy, for anyone reading, to see the changes.


Traditionally, basically, haiku try to contain three thoughts, one per line, the third one in some way joining or illustrating the other two with an unexpected juxtaposition of image. (or it can be the second and third line  that combine to contrast the first) That's why I hesitate with the enjambment between your first and second lines. The final line steps away from haiku as well, with a Narrator present and addressing either the reader, or the rain and bells etc. Also, 'future' is an abstract term, and haiku deal with  the concrete, observable world, usually. Also, no capital letters at the start of lines, and no punctuation. Some use a dash or tilde. Also, everything I've said here can be contradicted by examples. I've found though, that's it's easier to learn the rules first, before rejecting them, because then you know why you're doing it.

So I'd be looking for something like

rain brings incense
bells tinkle and sigh
distant thunder


but that's just me, and every reader will have a different take, and different advice. You'll learn to take on board only what you need.

It's great to see your energetic exploration of the site!