07-05-2015, 11:08 AM
Alrighty then bullet-
The piece is full of forced rhymes, and I would not say that iof I did not find many of the rhymes to be, well... forced. If you interpret that as calling it "shit", that's not my problem. The forcing is evident in the very first rhyme: "grime" (OK) to "time" (forced).
Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times need other word than times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scornyou went from concrete images to "scorn", which does not pelt
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star really? rain bursting like a star? c'mon
The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps definitely forcing the rhyme here. The abstract has become obscure, now.. ie I just don;t get it
Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow how did we get into the ocean?
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow with seeds sowing in the ocean, right?
I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate how will an audience ever know what this means. obscurity is not a virtue
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight how does one pick up plight?
Ashes burn and rust entwines acuracy please: a thing that entwines may rust, but not the rust itself
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder wallswhere the phoenix come from? and what elders?
I rebirth from the boulder shrine too obscure to be understood by my feeble brain
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls I'm sorry, but I just don't get it
I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps
(Refrain)
Bridge:
Where lightning heals the fawn it would make more sense for lightning to heal the cloud
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow
Even with instruments wrapped around them, these lyrics will be a very tough sell. Have someone else sing them back to you, and then listen real hard to how they sound coming back.
... Mark
The piece is full of forced rhymes, and I would not say that iof I did not find many of the rhymes to be, well... forced. If you interpret that as calling it "shit", that's not my problem. The forcing is evident in the very first rhyme: "grime" (OK) to "time" (forced).
Porcelain city cracked with grime
Tattered to the point of pieces falling off
Aged blackened gnarled times need other word than times
Arabesque winds will blow beyond the rough
Patches of this land will burn
leaving only tiles of taint and passing cars
Swift control with pelting scornyou went from concrete images to "scorn", which does not pelt
Watch the rain warp like a bursting neutron star really? rain bursting like a star? c'mon
The skyscraper heap
Of metal that weeps definitely forcing the rhyme here. The abstract has become obscure, now.. ie I just don;t get it
Where the death caps grow
What escapes the undertow how did we get into the ocean?
Where the death caps grow
We'll hide ourselves where the seeds will sow with seeds sowing in the ocean, right?
I feel my face about to break
Under rubble pressure and the mausoleum light
Searching through dark lemniscate how will an audience ever know what this means. obscurity is not a virtue
Picking up tomes and pieces of the plight how does one pick up plight?
Ashes burn and rust entwines acuracy please: a thing that entwines may rust, but not the rust itself
Drowning of the phoenix inside the elder wallswhere the phoenix come from? and what elders?
I rebirth from the boulder shrine too obscure to be understood by my feeble brain
Fetal escape outside the ancient halls I'm sorry, but I just don't get it
I'm the subtle heap
Of flesh that weeps
(Refrain)
Bridge:
Where lightning heals the fawn it would make more sense for lightning to heal the cloud
Where earthquakes build the road
Where dustbowls feed the crops
Where our dead seeds will sow
Even with instruments wrapped around them, these lyrics will be a very tough sell. Have someone else sing them back to you, and then listen real hard to how they sound coming back.
... Mark