08-07-2015, 04:04 PM
Hi Volaticus,
I think the best move in fine tuning/scraping the rust from your poem is supplying some REALLY POTENT imagery
that's the trick with short poems like haikus,
you need something to make it stick to the wall when you throw it, and with such little space, there's not much room to make it lasting
Personally I did not get the image of petals floating in the wind even remotely
try to cut the lines even sharper and fuller to get as far away from the abstract as you can
that way you can get the image to evoke a feeling from the reader, which is the beauty of haikus
you're not saying, you really are showing with words
I'm curious, what do you want us to feel when we read this?
I think the best move in fine tuning/scraping the rust from your poem is supplying some REALLY POTENT imagery
that's the trick with short poems like haikus,
you need something to make it stick to the wall when you throw it, and with such little space, there's not much room to make it lasting
Personally I did not get the image of petals floating in the wind even remotely
try to cut the lines even sharper and fuller to get as far away from the abstract as you can
that way you can get the image to evoke a feeling from the reader, which is the beauty of haikus
you're not saying, you really are showing with words
I'm curious, what do you want us to feel when we read this?