08-08-2015, 02:08 AM
Hi Louise, how the devil are you? It's really good to see you back here again.
I'm a little bit confused with your haiku, I think that your intention was to show a juxtaposition between an apparently desolate place (barren garden) with a symbol of good luck (four leaf clover) which I do like the idea of. What confused me was the title 'cloven' which is the past participle of 'cleave' which means to split or divide something which wouldn't seem appropriate in this haiku. Although at a stretch I could possibly see it working. I was wondering if you meant 'clovered'?
You could possibly have 'barren garden' is the first line then the last line the same then the middle line now has extra space to connect the two. Quite a lot of good haiku use what some people call the zoom technique so that each line's perspective zooms in closer, this could possibly work here. Just a thought.
Welcome back again,
thanks for the read,
Mark
I'm a little bit confused with your haiku, I think that your intention was to show a juxtaposition between an apparently desolate place (barren garden) with a symbol of good luck (four leaf clover) which I do like the idea of. What confused me was the title 'cloven' which is the past participle of 'cleave' which means to split or divide something which wouldn't seem appropriate in this haiku. Although at a stretch I could possibly see it working. I was wondering if you meant 'clovered'?
You could possibly have 'barren garden' is the first line then the last line the same then the middle line now has extra space to connect the two. Quite a lot of good haiku use what some people call the zoom technique so that each line's perspective zooms in closer, this could possibly work here. Just a thought.
Welcome back again,
thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie