Black Ooze

[John]

Thank you all so much for your notes and feedback. This is the first piece of work I have exposed anywhere and I really appreciate the community input.

The purpose of the poem was to create the image of a bogey man, a thing of many forms which created fear, a subject of a nightmare. I wanted the style to be like a Dali painting, a cascade of imagery that did not make sense, with the imagery of black ooze tying it together. I intended for it to be the description of a man made from oil.

The feedback has been incredible to recieve and will go into my revision. It deffinitely goes on to long and it has no structure or flow, I wanted to get the Ooze into the rhythm of the piece, this has not come across and will be what I also work on.

Again, thank you.
Ackeley

Hi, AP,

Just to add to my first post. You used a plethora of adverbs and adjectives, clearly with the intent of graphic imagery. In that respect, you've plenty of material to develop. But your graphic imagery has to be understood by the reader, or it's all for nothing. It's the reader that matters.

If you recall what you said here -

I wanted the style to be like a Dali painting, a cascade of imagery that did not make sense...

I can see where you're coming from, but unless writing only for yourself, it must make sense. That's why some of us have only seen a jumble of words.

For me, you've a promising body of material that I'd look forward to reading redeveloped.

Cheers.