Your heart

[billy]

to wordy, watch out for inverted syntax; the first line is screwed because of it and more often than not will scare your avid reader running for cover. your imagery has to be believable. metaphor needs to work, needs to have a reason to exist. [but cardiac arrest has settled in, it that settled in like "have a cup of cocoa and smoking a pipe? it does need a large edit. a suggestion would be to spend a small amount of time going through some of the poems we have on site to see about how to create a poem with a lighter hand.

A diamond is your heart [your heart is the diamond]
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art good [p's]
It is guarded by an eel why eel, are they good at guarding diamonds?

I cut your chest apart
That jewel I must take more inverted syntax
But next to the heart
Lies the wretched snake and now a snake?

I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake

Which have have bitten deep into your heart
Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin