10-07-2015, 07:37 AM
(10-06-2015, 10:21 PM)Weeded Wrote: I can't seem to sleepHi weed,-
Forcing eyes shut hourly
Forever it seems
I can see (who couldn't?) that you are determined to stick to convention, 5-7-5 syllables and that is commendable but probably restrictive in this one.
Redundant words and ommisions are the bane of haiku writers, if not all mathematical poets. I am not best placed to offer pedantic advice because I don't often tinker with this form but if you can acccept some general comments...?
First, make sure you have something to say. Traditional haiku is content-sensitive but there has always been a trend towards anglicising the form and this permits for simple succinctness with practically any micro-theme. So here you want to say you are tired but are kept awake by the concentration of effort required to bring about sleep...manifestly the forced closing of your eyes....yes? I am asking for confirmation because you have missed your own delicious paradox. If you can make the irony apparent in three short lines then you may have a haiku.
Second, don't force the form...ever. Using redundant words like "seems" makes little sense. How does one seem to not sleep?
You need five syllables to say angrily "I can't sleep" So get angry. "Damn it, I can't sleep". Next, why not?
"Awake, I can force eyes shut". The paradox is coming...
"Asleep, they open"
Haiku.
Your poem,
best,
tectak