10-08-2015, 04:39 AM
"Fuck insomnia!
Open eye attempts at rest;
Shutdown come sunrise."
I don't like the headline. Too explicit, for my taste, and not just because of the swear word. The haikus I've enjoyed (though there's not as much I've read, I warn you) tend to explode with the turn, not right at the start -- the thought must be eased in, like a traveling monk into his death hut.
Something hammy with "open eye attempts at rest". The "at" makes it sound less, er, simple, and simple's good for this stuff, I hear. And "Open eye" feels like a unit of thought that could be mashed up into one better whole -- right now, just sounds clunky.
I don't see the turn. It's not clear enough for me for a good gut punch, nor for a good minute of thinking. Something perhaps about the added load of "shutdown".
Also, why's this site suddenly filling with haikus? Is this what autumn does to you temperate-habitat,er,ted peeps?
Open eye attempts at rest;
Shutdown come sunrise."
I don't like the headline. Too explicit, for my taste, and not just because of the swear word. The haikus I've enjoyed (though there's not as much I've read, I warn you) tend to explode with the turn, not right at the start -- the thought must be eased in, like a traveling monk into his death hut.
Something hammy with "open eye attempts at rest". The "at" makes it sound less, er, simple, and simple's good for this stuff, I hear. And "Open eye" feels like a unit of thought that could be mashed up into one better whole -- right now, just sounds clunky.
I don't see the turn. It's not clear enough for me for a good gut punch, nor for a good minute of thinking. Something perhaps about the added load of "shutdown".
Also, why's this site suddenly filling with haikus? Is this what autumn does to you temperate-habitat,er,ted peeps?