10-12-2015, 02:57 AM
A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
(10-10-2015, 08:13 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< each new day >
a sound
i look behind
i think you're there
it's just a cat who's jumped down on a box This line feels too long and is the box important ?
we live
and lived
amidst a swirl of things
and most of them are gone this is a strong image of the pace of life slowing down and more relevant given S1
you've left them now
i'll leave them here as well quite sad but a natural progression for the poem
it's time to feed the cats again The cats need feeding again ? I like the way this sets up the...ah well life goes on
i ask myself
what can I do with this new day?
it's any fucking thing i want to do you could drop the repeat on 'Do' and drop ' its' without losing the meaning or the punch
i live each day
i'm free
i look behind
the past begins again I like this very much,the true outcome off loosing someone and its so comforting to look back, strong ending
- - -
![[Image: lonely.jpg]](http://wordbiscuit.com/im9/lonely.jpg)
A day in the life of a widower great how you capture the important things about how we feel what we try to do. very much enjoyed Ray. Some thoughts below. Best Keith
(10-10-2015, 08:13 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:
< each new day >
a sound
i look behind
i think you're there
it's just a cat who's jumped down on a box This line feels too long and is the box important ?
we live
and lived
amidst a swirl of things
and most of them are gone this is a strong image of the pace of life slowing down and more relevant given S1
you've left them now
i'll leave them here as well quite sad but a natural progression for the poem
it's time to feed the cats again The cats need feeding again ? I like the way this sets up the...ah well life goes on
i ask myself
what can I do with this new day?
it's any fucking thing i want to do you could drop the repeat on 'Do' and drop ' its' without losing the meaning or the punch
i live each day
i'm free
i look behind
the past begins again I like this very much,the true outcome off loosing someone and its so comforting to look back, strong ending
- - -
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out