Plunge

[Jezie]

Hi Jezie,

I haven't read the critiques or the earlier versions. I'm just going to address your latest edit (I'm a bit late to the party). 

I'll try to restrict my comments to the level of the forum and not go into too much detail and just focus on the key areas you may want to address.

I like the title. There's tension in it. The poem should try to capture the moment before decision and stay in that moment. As it stands, I'm going to make comments where I perceive there to be flaws. I like the poem idea enough to comment though so if there isn't a balance of good and bad don't over rotate. 

Okay so a few weeks of walking away and back and still...
Edit 3:

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.--I think this line is unnecessary. I don't think the particular setting adds anything and it gets in the way of the essence of the piece. I think you would be better served by cutting it and moving up "watching the ripples cross the surface." as its replacement.
A cool breeze caresses her back,--Don't tell me this and just personify the breeze have her skin react to the level of cold you want to express. I'm reacting more the adjective "cool" here.
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.--This idea on these two lines is not captured in your imagery. They feel bolted on. I'd try to convey this in another way.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.--All of these lines don't push the idea forward. If her toes are on the edge of the board how would she know the plunge is icy. That in itself is too telling of a statement anyway. There has to be a better way to use imagery to explain the fear. Your earlier of dawn's first warmth and cool breeze make it seem that it might not be that icy really. 
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call. --Again these last two lines feel bolted on to me. I also feel that for the metaphor your last phrase should probably be "Her toes on the edge."

I do like the idea of the poem, but I think where this is going wrong for me is that you are not trusting the central metaphor enough to do its work and you're cramming in all sorts of emotional exposition that the imagery does not really convey. A possibility is rethinking the title to carry the exposition and let the poem simply be the metaphor with imagery.

The poem is vague on what decision is in view, but here's an example of exposition in the title:

On Contemplating a Divorce

She stands all but bare...

it could be any topic really but keeping the exposition in the title may free you from putting it in the poem.


I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess...  

Just some thoughts. I hope they help some.

Best,

Todd

I like your suggestions, awhile I have never done "long" titles, I see how changing this would improve on what the poem should be saying... Also, you took time to show me where I am filling too much in. I am going to take this poem back to pen and paper and see what I can cut from it to see about improving it. I completely agree about show do not tell; will work better on that. You have given me much to think on and tinker with. I greatly appreciate your feedback and the time you took for me. I am glad you liked it enough to comment.

---

Plunge - 3rd edit

She stands, all but bare,
her backyard and pool her sanctuary.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
watching the ripples cross the surface.
As dawn's first warmth peeks from the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.

The plunge is icy,
the discomforts of a hard change.
The burn of exhaustion will ease the strains.
Her toes on the edge, the sun on her back,
questioning how choices and courage stack.
Recompense for deception her only call.

Well... talk about coming in late. But I liked your poem and saw your comment at its bottom:
"I feel like I am going in the wrong direction with these edits and it is becoming a mess... "

I just hate it when a poem refuses to obey. It's like they've grown resentful of your constant pinching
and poking and have decided to seek revenge. When remodeling doesn't work, maybe gutting and
rebuilding will. While only you can gut it properly (the best slicing requires your subconscious),
here's a "gut" example:

standing / bare
sanctuary / pool
her back
watching ripples
dawn
past decisions
future decisions

icy plunge
changes are hard
exhaustion distracts
toes, edge, sun, her back
choices reveal courage
deception / atonement / decision


Cheat the dustbin!

Cheat the dustbin... now there is a good motto for this one I like the gutting ideas, I am thinking of taking it back to the basic idea and going from there... here is hopping the next edit is in a better place. As always, thank you for your feedback.