01-06-2016, 05:01 PM
Teen Spirit
Silently riot breaks out after the sunset,
Every control signal searched & destroyed.
It's fun, riding drunk on highway,
Wave wild with flickering lights.
Softly whispers so prententious shady breeze,
Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.
Come on, turn the world upside down,
Or all the tides gotta drown you out.
Light up your fire, set the night on fire,
Recklessly burn through our poor dark age.
Shine no shame, as a blooming Lotus,
In proud stand out of muddy swamps.
I find myself simply confused here: I can’t work out what you are telling us with this poem. There are too many lines that I just don’t understand.
“Every control signal searched & destroyed.”
Is the idea that the control signals are “found” and destroyed, or that we open them up and search them as a policeman would search a house.
Or “Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.”
I am kind of assuming that a “self-assured living dead” Is a bumptious and complacent person, one of what some call” brainwashed sheeple”, but I’m not in the least sure, nor do I have any idea what the “blooming lotus” means, nor why anyone would “stand proud out of muddy swamps.
Your poem veers between descriptive statements and apparent imperatives, telling the reader how things are and then what to do.
I wouldn’t presume to edit the poem as I am not sure what it is trying to do, but if you welcome suggestions I’d stress clarity. It’s clearly strongly felt, and has an energy that is good, but I fear you are more focused on what it means to you and less on what a reader can take from it. I know myself I often get caught telling people what my lines mean, when really I am saying what they mean to me. But the text says what it says and we can’t carry our understanding out into the world unless we have it clear in the words on the page.
If this critique makes sense to you, then I would be very interested to see what you do with an edit, there is more than enough in there to form a clearer poem, I’m sure of that.
Silently riot breaks out after the sunset,
Every control signal searched & destroyed.
It's fun, riding drunk on highway,
Wave wild with flickering lights.
Softly whispers so prententious shady breeze,
Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.
Come on, turn the world upside down,
Or all the tides gotta drown you out.
Light up your fire, set the night on fire,
Recklessly burn through our poor dark age.
Shine no shame, as a blooming Lotus,
In proud stand out of muddy swamps.
I find myself simply confused here: I can’t work out what you are telling us with this poem. There are too many lines that I just don’t understand.
“Every control signal searched & destroyed.”
Is the idea that the control signals are “found” and destroyed, or that we open them up and search them as a policeman would search a house.
Or “Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.”
I am kind of assuming that a “self-assured living dead” Is a bumptious and complacent person, one of what some call” brainwashed sheeple”, but I’m not in the least sure, nor do I have any idea what the “blooming lotus” means, nor why anyone would “stand proud out of muddy swamps.
Your poem veers between descriptive statements and apparent imperatives, telling the reader how things are and then what to do.
I wouldn’t presume to edit the poem as I am not sure what it is trying to do, but if you welcome suggestions I’d stress clarity. It’s clearly strongly felt, and has an energy that is good, but I fear you are more focused on what it means to you and less on what a reader can take from it. I know myself I often get caught telling people what my lines mean, when really I am saying what they mean to me. But the text says what it says and we can’t carry our understanding out into the world unless we have it clear in the words on the page.
If this critique makes sense to you, then I would be very interested to see what you do with an edit, there is more than enough in there to form a clearer poem, I’m sure of that.