01-06-2016, 07:09 PM
It might work as the lyrics to a rock number, but as a poem, it reads like a set of loose, rambling lines. Grammar has been sacrificed for nothing. Sure, teen spirit don't follow no rules, but there has to be something in it for the reader.
(01-06-2016, 01:00 PM)PoetCraft Wrote: Teen Spirit
Silently riot breaks out after the sunset,
Every control signal searched & destroyed.
It's fun, riding drunk on highway,
Wave wild with flickering lights. .... What's 'wave wild'? A wild wave? Why the inversion?
Softly whispers so prententious shady breeze,.. Why pretentious? How is a breeze shady? The personification adds nothing to the line. The next line is beyond my comprehension. I get it that you're trying to channel the spirit of Jim Morrison, but it's not working.
Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.
Come on, turn the world upside down,
Or all the tides gotta drown you out. ...."tides" have no relation to anything being turned upside down. It's ok in loose everyday speech, but if I wanted to hear just boring everyday speech why would I read a poem?
Light up your fire, set the night on fire, .... an uninteresting allusion to Light My Fire
Recklessly burn through our poor dark age.
Shine no shame, as a blooming Lotus,
In proud stand out of muddy swamps. .... What's "in proud"?
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe