Flight

[71degrees]

'you might look'?

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'you might look'?

'you will look' - 'we all look' ??

Thanks so much for the suggestion here, Mercedes.  I'm inclined to stick w/"they" as already discussed.  I like the ambiguity of they for wings or sparrows. "We" won't work only b/c "we" all don't get Alzheimer's.  "You" is such a radical change and shifts to the individual a bit too much for me.

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I saw the poem
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.

Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.

This is a great short and succinct piece about Alzheimer's.  I really like how you convey the sadness using water and undertows.  I think your choice is especially meaningful because in this situation there are various undertows in addition to the sadness of forgetting ones name.  The image is haunting, emotions and suffering lurking as currents and memories being swept away.  That is extremely well done.  I like the sudden shift to the wings in the second stanza.  I have the impression that time as passed and the circumstances are more dire now.  Death at this point is more of a freedom rather than a sadness as indicated by the choice of wings and flight.

It really is a beautiful little piece and immediately attainable by the reader.

I love you, Casey.  Let's get married.

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I saw the poem                        
in my head the first time
you couldn’t remember
my name, your tongue wanting  
to say something, anything;
the sadness of it all floated,
catching on a bridge column,
swirling in an eddy of undertows.

Your arms spread like sparrow wings,
and I thought this is how they might look
flying into eternity.

First Stanza
I noticed that RSaba rearranged the first three lines as:

I saw the poem in my head
the first time you couldn't remember

I see why he would do this because it would strengthen the juxtaposition of remembering and forgetting. However, I feel that the original lines intentionally obscure the juxtaposition enable to simulate the experience of having Alzheimer's. If that was the intention, then maybe you could make the contrast more apparent through word choice as opposed to structural change?

Line 4 is pretty clever.

my name, your tongue wanting

It's interesting how the comma and line break work together to represent the struggle of your father trying to remember your name. You could've easily written it like "Your tongue wanting my name," but that would have diminished the tension that the line helps create.


Second Stanza 
I have to agree with what some of the others said. The second stanza seems kind of rushed, and its imagery and structure seem out of place when compared to the first stanza. If you want to make a structural change, then that is fine. It's the volta after all, and it's clear that something changed. What that something is, I don't know. I feel you could create a more appropriate image to tie in with the first stanza. This could make the ending less confusing 


Overall, the poem is solid. I love how the initial stillness of it is weakened by its underlying disjointed structure. You just need to work on that second stanza.

Thanks for the time and effort here.  "Tension" is putting it mildly when dealing w/Alzheimer's.  I agree with your comments about the second stanza but I can find what's needed in slightly different line breaks, I think.  Like your comment about feeling "rushed"...it's exactly what I wanted.

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If I neglected to thank someone here, I apologize. I haven't been around much lately. Life gets in the way sometimes. Hopefully, things will change.