01-12-2016, 04:10 PM
Thanks to all for the feedback. I've started my next wave of edits.
Some notes and reasons:
Lines 4, 5, 8, 13, and 14 have been deleted. These were tangents that took up far too much space in the piece and disrupted the intended line of thought.
Several lines in the remaining portion have been edited, to increase clarity (decrease some vagueness) and trim out a bit of the wordiness.
I've also added breaks to the piece, as I've finally chosen were to draw the distinctions (trimming helped with this).
Line 2: 'and debts' deleted. A tangent point that was lazily added in the first wave of edits.
Line 3: added 'colors' to the end of the clause. This narrows the focus of the line (almost enough). Rather than speaking of "dark and light" as if they were abstract nouns, they are now qualifiers to the word "colors." This is likely to be edited later, as the focus is still not exactly skin-tight.
Line 6: Simplified, but still incomplete. Less wordy. Rather than saying that the rats can be defined, I choose to give a definition.
Line 9: Less wordy, but less clear. This line is marked to be edited further.
[*Line numbers in the original work]
The final lines are still awaiting revision.
@Qdeathstar,
The grouping and the split with "or" in line 3 is not meaningless, I can assure you of that. It may not be particularly strong, but until I find the right way to make the distinction I am looking for, it will stay. It's also not as simple as "good and evil." "lustful life or righteous death" is even more over-worded, and not at all what I mean.
Balancing scales and walking with symmetry was removed -- useless tangent.
I'm not exactly sure I'd go as far as saying judges are actually fair, but I took that line out -- useless tangent.
There's a certain method to the phrasing of the final few lines, but it could stand to be tweaked.
Thank you for the feedback.
@Erthona (Dale)
What sort of poetic "tropes" do you look for? Alliteration, assonance, etc? I'm much less familiar with English poetry, so I tend to rely on the devices I am familiar with.
"
My question is what is the writer trying to accomplish, or is this just some sort of stream of consciousness experiment? "
I would probably say that it is an experiment in several ways, but not regarding a "stream of consciousness." It should come across with a philosophical feel, but definitely not to the extent that it did. The first draft was even worse in that regard. Hopefully this edit relieves a little bit of that. While several lines still might seem to read like weak rhetorical questions, this edit should, as a whole, be a little more clear and solid with its statements. I plan to continue reading this one over, work on the final six lines in detail again (hopefully clarify the "it"), and probably update the OP one or two more times.
Either way, thank you for the feedback.
(P.S., I'm not likely to be discouraged, as I am here to learn. See below.)
Some notes and reasons:
Lines 4, 5, 8, 13, and 14 have been deleted. These were tangents that took up far too much space in the piece and disrupted the intended line of thought.
Several lines in the remaining portion have been edited, to increase clarity (decrease some vagueness) and trim out a bit of the wordiness.
I've also added breaks to the piece, as I've finally chosen were to draw the distinctions (trimming helped with this).
Line 2: 'and debts' deleted. A tangent point that was lazily added in the first wave of edits.
Line 3: added 'colors' to the end of the clause. This narrows the focus of the line (almost enough). Rather than speaking of "dark and light" as if they were abstract nouns, they are now qualifiers to the word "colors." This is likely to be edited later, as the focus is still not exactly skin-tight.
Line 6: Simplified, but still incomplete. Less wordy. Rather than saying that the rats can be defined, I choose to give a definition.
Line 9: Less wordy, but less clear. This line is marked to be edited further.
[*Line numbers in the original work]
The final lines are still awaiting revision.
@Qdeathstar,
The grouping and the split with "or" in line 3 is not meaningless, I can assure you of that. It may not be particularly strong, but until I find the right way to make the distinction I am looking for, it will stay. It's also not as simple as "good and evil." "lustful life or righteous death" is even more over-worded, and not at all what I mean.
Balancing scales and walking with symmetry was removed -- useless tangent.
I'm not exactly sure I'd go as far as saying judges are actually fair, but I took that line out -- useless tangent.
There's a certain method to the phrasing of the final few lines, but it could stand to be tweaked.
Thank you for the feedback.
@Erthona (Dale)
What sort of poetic "tropes" do you look for? Alliteration, assonance, etc? I'm much less familiar with English poetry, so I tend to rely on the devices I am familiar with.
"
My question is what is the writer trying to accomplish, or is this just some sort of stream of consciousness experiment? "
I would probably say that it is an experiment in several ways, but not regarding a "stream of consciousness." It should come across with a philosophical feel, but definitely not to the extent that it did. The first draft was even worse in that regard. Hopefully this edit relieves a little bit of that. While several lines still might seem to read like weak rhetorical questions, this edit should, as a whole, be a little more clear and solid with its statements. I plan to continue reading this one over, work on the final six lines in detail again (hopefully clarify the "it"), and probably update the OP one or two more times.
Either way, thank you for the feedback.
(P.S., I'm not likely to be discouraged, as I am here to learn. See below.)
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona