01-15-2016, 11:50 PM
Teen Spirit
Silently riot breaks out after the sunset,
Every control signal searched & destroyed.
It's fun, riding drunk on highway,
Wave wild with flickering lights.
Softly whispers so prententious shady breeze,
Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.
Come on, turn the world upside down,
Or all the tides gotta drown you out.
Light up your fire, set the night on fire,
Recklessly burn through our poor dark age.
Shine no shame, as a blooming Lotus,
In proud stand out of muddy swamps.
I agree that the poem conveys a sense of throwing off all inhibitions like the 60’s movie “Wild in the Streets.” There are phrases, however, that I don’t understand and for me, need clarification. Can a riot break out “silently” or does the very nature of a riot require loud sound? A riot of color does not require sound but I don’t think that’s what you are trying to convey here. Your second sentence makes the nature of riot a designed purpose. I know that individuals with a purpose in mind may incite rioters to specific actions like railing against the police only to have the crowd overturn and burn a police car. This sentence appears to want to cast off all vestiges of control. I don’t see the “uncontrolled individual” as having a defined search and destroy plan. I don’t understand the usage of “Sigh so contagious.” I would recommend dropping the use of “gotta” and using a non slang term here. The first line of verse three is reminiscent of the Doors classic rock song “Light My Fire.” I like the line “Shine no shame” but don’t understand its use here. This has a lot of potential. I look forward to see future revisions. Thanks.
Silently riot breaks out after the sunset,
Every control signal searched & destroyed.
It's fun, riding drunk on highway,
Wave wild with flickering lights.
Softly whispers so prententious shady breeze,
Sigh so contagious self-assured living deads.
Come on, turn the world upside down,
Or all the tides gotta drown you out.
Light up your fire, set the night on fire,
Recklessly burn through our poor dark age.
Shine no shame, as a blooming Lotus,
In proud stand out of muddy swamps.
I agree that the poem conveys a sense of throwing off all inhibitions like the 60’s movie “Wild in the Streets.” There are phrases, however, that I don’t understand and for me, need clarification. Can a riot break out “silently” or does the very nature of a riot require loud sound? A riot of color does not require sound but I don’t think that’s what you are trying to convey here. Your second sentence makes the nature of riot a designed purpose. I know that individuals with a purpose in mind may incite rioters to specific actions like railing against the police only to have the crowd overturn and burn a police car. This sentence appears to want to cast off all vestiges of control. I don’t see the “uncontrolled individual” as having a defined search and destroy plan. I don’t understand the usage of “Sigh so contagious.” I would recommend dropping the use of “gotta” and using a non slang term here. The first line of verse three is reminiscent of the Doors classic rock song “Light My Fire.” I like the line “Shine no shame” but don’t understand its use here. This has a lot of potential. I look forward to see future revisions. Thanks.