01-17-2016, 09:02 AM
Hi.
on the edit, overall I feel it is a drastic improvement. The line breaks help clearing it. It helps to cut through some of the wordiness, it kind of makes the first line stand out, and although it's still wordy it works better.
however, I still think the second and third line of the poem are weak... walls and stars? I guess if you wanted this could be hopelessness and hope, but it's just a little amaturish compared to the rest of the poem, and kinda repetive. Perhaps you could sum up the walls and stars, light and dark, life and death into a single thought, as the subjects are very similar imo.
on the edit, overall I feel it is a drastic improvement. The line breaks help clearing it. It helps to cut through some of the wordiness, it kind of makes the first line stand out, and although it's still wordy it works better.
however, I still think the second and third line of the poem are weak... walls and stars? I guess if you wanted this could be hopelessness and hope, but it's just a little amaturish compared to the rest of the poem, and kinda repetive. Perhaps you could sum up the walls and stars, light and dark, life and death into a single thought, as the subjects are very similar imo.