01-21-2016, 07:45 PM
I'd keep working on clarifying this.
Having worked with real rats in skinner boxes, I feel this poem seems to be written in not totally authentic way, but can be molded into something better.
Rats push levers, not pull. Also, they beep when they push them.
Calling the rats chemical computers makes one very separate emotionally, but immediately before that
you call them noble, which confuses.
Thankfully rats don't generally shake in boxes, but if they were I believe most biologists would interpret that as serious distress, which may have been your intention; however you make it sound like power.
Finally, the end confuses the snot out of me. Is it broken glass over poison? Is it their cage and they are free to scurry about? Not to get stuck on technicals, but skinner boxes are plexiglass. And it seems to just miss tying it in with your unhappiness.
Please keep trying, there is a lot of good stuff here it just needs some polish.
Having worked with real rats in skinner boxes, I feel this poem seems to be written in not totally authentic way, but can be molded into something better.
Rats push levers, not pull. Also, they beep when they push them.
Calling the rats chemical computers makes one very separate emotionally, but immediately before that
you call them noble, which confuses.
Thankfully rats don't generally shake in boxes, but if they were I believe most biologists would interpret that as serious distress, which may have been your intention; however you make it sound like power.
Finally, the end confuses the snot out of me. Is it broken glass over poison? Is it their cage and they are free to scurry about? Not to get stuck on technicals, but skinner boxes are plexiglass. And it seems to just miss tying it in with your unhappiness.
Please keep trying, there is a lot of good stuff here it just needs some polish.