Untitled

[Jeremiahcp]

Untitled/revised

accentual verse, 2 accents per line with an xaxa rhyme scheme.


This reads more as a minor syllogism or maybe a parable, rather than a poem. It is written in a poetic way(see above), yet poetry generally shows one the thing through the use of metaphor or other such devices it does not just tell it as ella has already said.

If the thesis is that pride leads to a fall, aka "Paradise Lost", it is certainly well traveled ground and this piece brings nothing new to the table.  

It is disturbing that there is no title. Any poem worth writing deserves the consideration of a title. Using "untitled" as the title gives the impression that the writer doesn't know what the poem is about and by inference, doesn't know what he is about   (nothing new there for anybody)  Still if there is ever a should in poetry, it is a poem should always have a title. It would have been easy enough to name it "Pride" or any number of things. Nothing so great as to require steam coming from one's ears. A poet takes "care" of the large things, yes, but also of the small. Any poet worth his salt would be embarrassed to put up a piece that he had not labored over in terms of rooting out typos, grammar problems and so on. To put it bluntly, if the writer is so unimaginative as to be unable to come up with at least some title, let alone a suitable one, what hope has he of writing a decent poem? So the little things are important and the more one progresses, the more important they become.

Even using the original, the idea that reliance on self will somehow get one to God has been covered so many times. There is a Barry McGuire song that covers the same subject. I used to know the song (that is I used to preform it), but I have forgotten the lyrics for the most part. He describes four different men. A miser, a (can't remember), a rich man who goes to church, but doesn't really practice the religion, and a humble man. Of course only the humble man makes it into heaven. All the other men were prideful in some way. A hoarder, self-reliant and so on.

This isn't to say this topic can't be written about, but it must come from a unique and original place. Just saying flat out, "Pride goes before a fall," does not make much of a poem, in fact it makes no poem at all.

On a positive note, the writer does seem to have some natural talent in verse awareness and rhyming, this is natural talent and no amount of training will give it to you (which is not to say training cannot improve it) and a willingness to take and respond positively to criticism, never an easy thing.

Certainly this has been a good practice piece for the writer and hopefully he will take what he has learned and progress forward. From the responses given I think there is a strong possibility of that.

Welcome to the site,

Best,

dale

I wrote a paper on the homogenization of creative writing by higher education, and the be original mantra is one of the areas I looked at. You might find it interesting, as it also addresses the idea of writers are born vs. writers are created. I am of the mind, that natural talent will never surpass hard work.

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Thank you  all, for the input from everyone. I can honestly say I took it all into extended consideration, but I am actually satisfied with the current revision, and that is my final revision for this poem. Thank you for giving much to think about.