01-25-2016, 02:50 AM
Hi my name is Nick and I am new to this forum. Here are some of my notes on this. 
--Edit #2--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am. This seems to be a very important line - but I don't see how happiness is addressed in the rest of the poem
They do not kick walls or see constellations. Kick Walls? Sounds good with constellations though
They do not think of life and or death
Or balance them on dark and light fulcrums.
I watch them, fur and flesh over bone and brain.
I give them levers to pull, to see if they decide.
The levers move in silence. This line could be spiced up a bit maybe a different verb than 'move'
Their futile bodies know the question;
Their noble beings have no answer.
Their lives are only chemical computers, like the sound of 'chemical computers'
Chaotic twitches of mortal muscle, Good line, I like 'Chaotic twitches'
Seeking validation for every bite.
They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands. I would shorten this line, maybe something like "Their hands shake in self-awareness." not sure if I like using 'self-awareness'
In reflection they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own
Just before the glass breaks. Not sure if i get this last line - Is this some sort of glass wall in the maze? is this the climax of the experiment?
Additional Observations:
The first line compares the speaker compares themselves to these test rats, saying that they are happier. The poem continues to describe the rat's experience, but I had a hard time connected it to the speaker, other than knowing that he is the observer. I think this could be addressed with another stanza. Overall, I like the determinism concept and some of the imagery evoked.
-Nick
--Edit #2--
There are rats in cages and mazes that are happier than I am. This seems to be a very important line - but I don't see how happiness is addressed in the rest of the poem
They do not kick walls or see constellations. Kick Walls? Sounds good with constellations though
They do not think of life and or death
Or balance them on dark and light fulcrums.
I watch them, fur and flesh over bone and brain.
I give them levers to pull, to see if they decide.
The levers move in silence. This line could be spiced up a bit maybe a different verb than 'move'
Their futile bodies know the question;
Their noble beings have no answer.
Their lives are only chemical computers, like the sound of 'chemical computers'
Chaotic twitches of mortal muscle, Good line, I like 'Chaotic twitches'
Seeking validation for every bite.
They shake in self-awareness at the power of their hands. I would shorten this line, maybe something like "Their hands shake in self-awareness." not sure if I like using 'self-awareness'
In reflection they see their fur
Placed over skin that is not their own
Just before the glass breaks. Not sure if i get this last line - Is this some sort of glass wall in the maze? is this the climax of the experiment?
Additional Observations:
The first line compares the speaker compares themselves to these test rats, saying that they are happier. The poem continues to describe the rat's experience, but I had a hard time connected it to the speaker, other than knowing that he is the observer. I think this could be addressed with another stanza. Overall, I like the determinism concept and some of the imagery evoked.
-Nick