02-02-2016, 08:10 AM
You're probably not reading into it too much.
1. There is significance to the fact that the levers move in silence. It should hopefully be read with the prior line still fresh in the mind, as it is supposed to say something about "if" these rats decide. Particularly, the idea is that the rats do pull on these levers, but that it is purely impulsive and does not require any conscious thought or decision making. There is no committee to consult, no advice to be given, and no question to be asked. The action stands alone, separated from the questions and definitions that surround it.
2. A very sound edit, but in my opinion it isn't enough of an impact yet to justify itself yet, especially considering I'm entirely satisfied with the "self-awareness" part of the line.
3. I guess I haven't spoke too much about what the glass is about. It isn't necessarily of a physical origin, nor is it purely metaphor. I hope that makes sense. In the drafting and editing process, it began as "mirror," then "window," and finally "glass." The reflection the rats see is not a literal reflection, but as someone had mentioned here (Erthona), it is "self-introspection." The rats are reflecting on their lives, their being, their existence, trying to find the ever-elusive "purpose" and "meaning." In this process, they see their fur (outward, physical tendencies) placed over skin that is not their own (inner, "spiritual" thoughts, the source of which is higher than the rats themselves). The image of two different reflections being transposed on each other doesn't actually lend itself well to a mirror, but more to a window or other transparent glass.
I also hope that by now it is clear that these rats are not actually rats. I would also hope that it is abundantly clear that the poem is focused on these "rats," not the speaker. While it is possible to examine the speaker's position in this, that is not the primary purpose of this piece.
With all of this in mind, feel free to continue with suggestions on how these things could be made clearer, especially knowing now what it looks like I'm saying and what I'm trying to say.
Thank you very much for the feedback BW.
1. There is significance to the fact that the levers move in silence. It should hopefully be read with the prior line still fresh in the mind, as it is supposed to say something about "if" these rats decide. Particularly, the idea is that the rats do pull on these levers, but that it is purely impulsive and does not require any conscious thought or decision making. There is no committee to consult, no advice to be given, and no question to be asked. The action stands alone, separated from the questions and definitions that surround it.
2. A very sound edit, but in my opinion it isn't enough of an impact yet to justify itself yet, especially considering I'm entirely satisfied with the "self-awareness" part of the line.
3. I guess I haven't spoke too much about what the glass is about. It isn't necessarily of a physical origin, nor is it purely metaphor. I hope that makes sense. In the drafting and editing process, it began as "mirror," then "window," and finally "glass." The reflection the rats see is not a literal reflection, but as someone had mentioned here (Erthona), it is "self-introspection." The rats are reflecting on their lives, their being, their existence, trying to find the ever-elusive "purpose" and "meaning." In this process, they see their fur (outward, physical tendencies) placed over skin that is not their own (inner, "spiritual" thoughts, the source of which is higher than the rats themselves). The image of two different reflections being transposed on each other doesn't actually lend itself well to a mirror, but more to a window or other transparent glass.
I also hope that by now it is clear that these rats are not actually rats. I would also hope that it is abundantly clear that the poem is focused on these "rats," not the speaker. While it is possible to examine the speaker's position in this, that is not the primary purpose of this piece.
With all of this in mind, feel free to continue with suggestions on how these things could be made clearer, especially knowing now what it looks like I'm saying and what I'm trying to say.
Thank you very much for the feedback BW.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona