03-17-2016, 09:32 AM 
	
	
	
		hello, so, from what i can see there is quite a bit wrong with this; yet, it has certain elements that i really like. let's have a look.
	
	
	
(03-16-2016, 09:40 PM)DC Black Wrote: These are the things that bind me: - this sounds like it should be a refrain; turns out, it isn't. i like the idea of it, binding of oneself, implying both a unified and fragmented 'whole'. also, binding has, at the same time, positive and negative connotations. and this is all done without explicitly contradictory words or language; very good stuff. some might say it is a bit open, but fuck 'em.well, that's about it. i will say, you mentioned in a comment about being 'abstract' or 'abstract themes' being unwelcome in modern poetry. i wouldn't put too much stock in that opinion. using concrete language is preferable, yet, all shades of poetry have the potential to be done well. and for my money, i would much rather read an entirely abstract poem done well, than some lazy half-arsed poem about cooking breakfast under the tenuous pretext of adult-angst or jaded cynicism [something not frowned upon enough in modern poetry].
Children, the best of my soul, - yep.
Words, always
Love
Hatred - now we run into our evidence for 'this is my first attempt at poetry'. you've gone off road. punctuation is transformative. try to use it properly, and then, at the very least, it will give the impression of intention, giving the reader a sense of trust, and hence, a willingness to take seriously what is presented. having made a vague sense of it, i would also question the word order - and the word choice, although, i realise the word choice is pretty much fundamental to the poem.
These things ground me. - i hate to get all logical, but are the previous things the things that bind you or the things that ground you? it doesn't matter, i would prefer a refrain of the first line, anyway.
They halt my fanciful flights - entirely rethink this line. don't cut it, but, seriously rework it.
Down dark, monstrous roads - ditto
Bags haphazardly packed beside me - this is indeed a nice line. a nice concrete line. also, this is where the refrain can come in, because you have apparently jumped from the effect of the things that bind you to another set of 'things' that bind you. it could come before or after the list. add to taste.
And favourite tunes blaring loud, - i think you can do better. but it isn't terrible.
Holding me so tight
Reminding me of when. - yeah, it kind of tales off here. the rest is weak cliche rubbish. my advice would be lose the lines post this point, and carry on; it feels like you gave up too soon. i want to hear more.
They stop me testing the great unknown,
Not yet, I'm not there yet,
I have so many more words still to read,
Still to say.

 

