The Night Mountain

[jameso]

The Night Mountain


When a crimson eve turns a purple night
And a shrouded moon dapples leaves in white
When the crisp air stills, a traveller may find
That the Night Mountain appears to those of pure mind

O'er part its face does a forest creep
And a silver rim does line its peak
With a sleepy spell that blankets the glen
The Night Mountain soothes the hearts of men

Though a thousand mile ramble, may his weary feet take
It is within the mind, must a journey he make
For the traveller may seek, but it cannot be sought
The Night Mountain comes to those of pure thought

At its mighty base lies a wooded way
And upon this path, must a true mind stay
For asylum so sweet, softly beckons each bend
To observe, nay not tarry, can the traveller ascend

Ten nights must he sit 'neath the Banyan Tree
Neither word may he make, nor food taketh he
And when dusts have settled and hearts are freed
The mountain will beckon to those of pure deed

At the head of the mount, at the end of the path
Sits a hallowed hall with a glowing hearth
And a noble traveller who has done no wrong
May the doorway open, may he enter its throng

Inside there are others, they welcome their guest
And in joyous refrain, he takes up with the rest
To the chorus, this choir, will offer their lives
For no more's the Night Mountain when morning arrives...

Ok, my biggest problem with this is the archaic, hackneyed writing including 'ye olde phrasing, inversion and faux poetic constructs.  It reads more like a parody of a poem from someone that doesn't take poetry seriously at all than an actual poem.:

Crimson eve
does a forest creep
does line its peak
may his weary feet take
O'er
etc.

These are painful parodies of romatic-era poetry without the skill that goes into that poetry.

Add to these the romantic sounding phrases that litter through it, the broken meter and the forced rhymes and it becomes quite a chore to read.  Maybe try updating it to read like something written within the last hundred years and don't write towards the rhymes, rather let the rhymes naturally fall or avoid them all together.

Good luck, thanks for posting.

Thanks for the feedback Milo. You are suggesting some pretty large changes there. might take me some time. 

could you please clarify where the meter is broken? thanks