The Night Mountain

[milo]

The Night Mountain


When a crimson eve turns a purple night
And a shrouded moon dapples leaves in white
When the crisp air stills, a traveller may find
That the Night Mountain appears to those of pure mind

O'er part its face does a forest creep
And a silver rim does line its peak
With a sleepy spell that blankets the glen
The Night Mountain soothes the hearts of men

Though a thousand mile ramble, may his weary feet take
It is within the mind, must a journey he make
For the traveller may seek, but it cannot be sought
The Night Mountain comes to those of pure thought

At its mighty base lies a wooded way
And upon this path, must a true mind stay
For asylum so sweet, softly beckons each bend
To observe, nay not tarry, can the traveller ascend

Ten nights must he sit 'neath the Banyan Tree
Neither word may he make, nor food taketh he
And when dusts have settled and hearts are freed
The mountain will beckon to those of pure deed

At the head of the mount, at the end of the path
Sits a hallowed hall with a glowing hearth
And a noble traveller who has done no wrong
May the doorway open, may he enter its throng

Inside there are others, they welcome their guest
And in joyous refrain, he takes up with the rest
To the chorus, this choir, will offer their lives
For no more's the Night Mountain when morning arrives...

Ok, my biggest problem with this is the archaic, hackneyed writing including 'ye olde phrasing, inversion and faux poetic constructs.  It reads more like a parody of a poem from someone that doesn't take poetry seriously at all than an actual poem.:

Crimson eve
does a forest creep
does line its peak
may his weary feet take
O'er
etc.

These are painful parodies of romatic-era poetry without the skill that goes into that poetry.

Add to these the romantic sounding phrases that litter through it, the broken meter and the forced rhymes and it becomes quite a chore to read.  Maybe try updating it to read like something written within the last hundred years and don't write towards the rhymes, rather let the rhymes naturally fall or avoid them all together.

Good luck, thanks for posting.

Thanks for the feedback Milo. You are suggesting some pretty large changes there. might take me some time. 

could you please clarify where the meter is broken? thanks

well, there are a lot of lines so it could take quite a while.  In addition, it switches between inconsistent meter and broken meter back and forth which makes it problematic.  Consider:

whenaCRIM sonEVE TURNS aPUR pleNIGHT

you have an anapaest, 3 iambs and an aexendrine caesura combination going on mid.  It would be a pretty complex (and Greek inspired) meter to hold up and pretty difficult to maintain in English. Surprisingly, your next line mirrors it which sets up an expectation.  Your third line:

whentheCRISP airSTILLS aTRA velLER mayFIND

ip with a common anapaestic sub for the first foot.  Still, not terribly problematic though unexpected.


thattheNIGHT MOUNTain apPEARS toTHOSE ofa PUREMIND

this line is just a mess.  Anapaest, troche, iamb, iamb, pyrrhic, spondee - pretty much a mish mash of no metric regularity.

The rest of the poem continues with the random metric and non metric lines throughout.  This is what it might look like padded to perfect meter. (note, this is NOT a suggestion, just a demonstration)

 a crimson eve that turns a purple night,
 a shrouded moon that dapples leaves in white
When crisp air stills, a traveller may find
the Mountain shows to those that have a mind

O'er part its face a mossy forest creeps'
a silver rim belies a narrow peak,
a sleepy spell that blankets o'er the glen
The Mountain soothes the thorny hearts of men

a thousand mile ramble, takes his feet
It is within the mind, his fate to mete
 the traveler may seek, but can't be sought
The Mountain comes to those who have a thought

The base belies a heavy wooded way
And on this path, a noble mind must stay
For sweet asylum beckons every bend
he cannot tarry for he must ascend


etc, etc, etc

just try to get the rhythm in your head before you work on change ups.